Monday, 26 December 2011
I went to Canada 12 weeks ago, I also went to Whistler to ride bikes.
I fell off, dislocated my right shoulder and broke my wrist.
I also had another incident over the summer which dislocated my right shoulder.
I've now, (you can do the maths) dislocated my right shoulder twice, and will be having surgery to stabilize it on the 18th of January.
The 18th of January is 364 days after my fathers death, 1 day before the mark of a year since he died, and a mere 5 days before what would be his 57th birthday.
I will be having the same surgery that I had last February, just on a different shoulder.
How do I feel about this? Angry, pleased, shameful, happy, excited and sad. Yes, One person can feel all those emotions at once, and Man can feel all these emotions at once, not just Women.
Why out of all the days am I writing on Christmas day you ask? Well because today is the first Christmas without dad, and so far has been a very emotional day. Now that doesn't mean I've been wandering around blubbering and crying, far from it. I've been cheery and smiley, but deep down, there is an incomprehensible loss that lurks and lingers and will not leave me be. This house is no home. My best friend no longer resides under it's roof, the banter I enjoyed and thrived on so much has been replaced with a chilling sobriety. There is little joy here.
Christmas has re iterated this, Matthew serves up some laughter, we always did together, but we were never supposed to be a double act, it was always the four of us that made it work.
I could have waited for this surgery, many of you think I am stupid to pay to have it now, when I can wait to have it free. I can see why you think I should wait, and if you think I am stupid then good for you, you are entitled to your opinion, but do not express it to me unless it comes in a constructive manner. I am having surgery soon rather than later for many reasons, but mainly because my Mother is offering to pay, and frankly, I am tired of living a life on hold. Waiting for the next person to give me an answer, or more apt to my situation, waiting for the next person to give me an ambiguous answer which is actually worse than no answer at all.
I need to start my life again, I have not lived my own life properly for some time now. I have either lived from weekend to weekend when I was visiting my dad, lived from event to event in a vain attempt to deny my loss, or lived my life dictated by my poor health. This is not to say I have had some great times over the last few years, I have had many, but the road has been no straight line, it has been full of sharp turns and stop signs. Until I can clear that road, I will not be able to re start my life. For example, I am currently living my life waiting, waiting for the opinion of a doctor, a doctor who does not even know the word clarity exists, let alone how to formulate it. I cannot move on until I am the one in control of my life again, and I will be in control of my life again when my health is restored to 'normal', mentally and physically.
Please do not challenge my life choices; support them, whether you agree with them or not. Also I know that a lot of my health issues have been self inflicted, but some have not.
After all life is to be lived.
So for now I am focusing on getting better, so I can focus on the next chapter of my life and where I want it to take me, and I am not waiting around.
- Decide who you are, what you want to be, hold on and ride it out
p.s - There was no intention to convey self pity in this message. Not much anyway. I am a very positive person, between all the waiting I am active, keeping my self busy and enjoying life. I am just enjoying life in bite size chunks, with the illusive bigger picture waiting for me some where in the future. I know my situation, I know how it is effecting me, and writing here has been a way for me to deal with it. With often no intended audience I would write down explicitly how I feel with no purpose other than to vent emotion. This post is different in that I have considered an audience and thus the need to mention the style of writing. I never want people to feel sorry for me, in fact, I hate it when people feel sorry for me.