That's it, I've broken, I've had enough of Hereford. It has been slowly choking me of life for a few months now and I really cannot take it any more. My best friend is no longer here, I don't like going out in Hereford, I'm getting bored of doing everything by myself, I'm getting bored of being the only one interested in things I'm interested in. That probably sounds selfish, but what is the point in doing anything unless it makes you happy, and right now shared experiences are the only happy ones. I'm even bored of riding my bike, I'm bored of the local gym, even swimming which I have only recently taken up, it isn't going to hold my interest for much longer. I need something radical. I've always had something radical in the bag to keep myself entertained. Travelling the world for example, then uni, then competing in dh races, even rehabilitating my shoulder was something radical that gave me purpose and meaning. I strive for purpose, I strive for meaning, I strive for motivation to get out of bed in the morning.

What is my purpose, meaning and motivation right now?

Honestly I do not know. There is not much about me right now that is stopping me from merging into a nobody, permeating into society as one of those people in the streets you never notice, they are there, they make up 90% of the high street, but you don't notice them. I want to be the exciting 10% with a story, with passion, drive. I'd like to think I have been in that 10% a lot, is that arrogance? Lets call it determination and drive, all three can go hand in hand but arrogance doesn't have to be a bi product.

What can put me back in that 10%, how can I regain my purpose?

I need a new direction,

S.H.W

How can you physically miss someone this much?

How can you think about someone this much everyday?

I only see you in my dreams now, that will never be enough.

I would do anything, absolutely anything just for a hug, just to see you smile at me.

Why can't I see you smiling.

Why won't you smile for me?

Blocked

The more I think about writing in here, the more difficult it becomes to find something to write about. Before this recent affair with blogging, I just blogged when something major had happened in my life, so, one would suggest nothing major has happened in my life for a while, well that's kind of true. But I feel like I should blog about other things as well, but then it is this notion that has led me to this sticky situation in which I really don't know what to write about or where to start...

Ironic I know, that I am now blogging about not knowing what to blog about, but it is really starting to bug me and it got me thinking back to a previous blog, and the saying...

...well not a saying but more a philosophical idea...

..."the more we look the less we find"...

Is that just massively sceptical? realistic? Both? Well it got me thinking that this is the essence of writers block, a write needs to write, and it is that necessity to write that drives his or her creative block. Perhaps that is one theory of many anyway. This has all stemmed from my sudden viewing of the programme "Californication" in which a writer moves from New York to Cali with his family. He faces some serious writers block, at least, in-between the small posts on his blog he does make. This character has been sent to Cali to write, surely the pressure to write would create a block?

Perhaps the pressure (totally unnecessary and not even pressure to be fair) that I have put (had put on me?) to write more is creating a block for me. Perhaps I should tone it down a notch, treat my blog how I treated it before; not something I should go to regularly regardless of inspiration, but visit in times of need, want, emotion. After all it is emotion that drives creativeness, emotion that drives life itself. 

Anyway, since when did this blog become about anyone else...that's right it didn't. 

What is truly yours will eventually be yours

I love this, It is making me realise that I should not apply for jobs for the sake of it, because it is what is expected of me, but instead what I truly want to do will become apparent in time. It has also prompted me, of the necessity to remind myself that I should not look for what I desire in life. When we look we do not find. It is when we are not looking that we are found.