I should perhaps have looked at my last blog to see what was going on last time i blogged, but i'll 'take it from the top'.

My fantastic unlucky streak took a real turn when i had a seizure in Scotland whilst i was attending the Downhill Mountain Bike Student Champs. I was pushing my bike along the fire road to the uplift service when, well next thing i know i woke up on the floor with no idea, not a clue what was going on, who i was, who anyone was, and more importantly to me at the time, why somebody had stuck a needle in my arm!?!
it took me a good 30mins to recover from a very deep state of amnesia, i finally realised i was in scotland to ride bikes, but then the pressing issue hit me...

...id just had a seizure.

I wont delve into my past but this isnt the first time that ive had a seizure, i was diagnosed with epilepsy a good 10 years ago, and have spend the last 6 years of my life with NO medication, NO seizures. so whats suddenly changed? I managed to go on and complete my race the following day, most people tend to sleep ALOT after a seizure, well i was in scotland and it took 10hours to get there so not racing wasnt an option. id spent most of the time immediatly before the seizure learning the track, and because of my seizure i had to race the track with little idea of where i was going, but i still managed to finish 95th beating 67% of the feild.




I spent the following week, maybe two in a complete state of denial, and very complacent about the topic if it ever properly slipped into my stream of thought. Along with the help of some very good friends i decided to tell my parents, it was the last thing the needed to hear, but in hindsight i think it was for the best.

After two weeks in denial, then a good day and copious amounts of alcohol i felt fine with the idea of just forgetting it ever happened and carrying on in life, however it soon became apparent that it wasnt going to be that simple. a few weeks after that day in scotland i had another seizure, same as before, though this time not as disorientating, presumably because this was becoming common ground, for all the wrong reasons. Since then, inbetween trying to complete coursework and revise for exams ive slotted in a meeting with a neurologist and received a MRI scan just to rule out anything nasty in my brain. though in all honesty i think i did have a "break through seizure" in scotland, and as for the second one, well it did occur in similiar condiitions to that of scotland, so it could even be classed as situational or prevoked, but honestly, not even the neurolist i saw knows for certain, but it would seem my 'epilepsy' is temporarily back.

Ive now lost my job because of what happened, and surfing and riding bikes has now gone from a leisurible hobby to a time in my life where im wondering most whether i will be having a seizure. those two hobbies are my escape from all the crap things in life, now they are a potential source of that crap. However, as a student studying psychology i think ive done well to cope with everything thats happened, espcially on top of various family issues. Saying that ive still got to get through a summer back home in the rural countryside with no car, which is going to make getting to the woods to ride, and getting to the sea to surf a real issue. The last thing i need is that trapped feeling, with no way of just escaping from everything.

I did manage to enter a race last week, and much to my suprise i managed a whole day of riding bikes, racing, and a serious piss up afterwards with no seizure, clean as a whistle, i had some funny moments, but managed to successfully ward off any seizures, LAD.

Myself and two friends managed to sneak in a surf inbetween revision and coursework deadlines, and much to my suprise i actually managed to really enjoy it, without that constant dread and worry of having a seizure, i even had some pretty nice waves. Its going to be interesting to see how things unravel, by the looks of it i might have to go back on medication for a short while just to try and keep the seizures under control...though surely if i know what situation causes them i can just avoid that situation altogether? i guess for now i just have to wait for theMRI results and hope they are clear...then take it from there.

untill then...

and so comes the next decision...

Well, Ive told my parents about my little problem, now I was expecting them to not really be able to give me an answer, however I wasnt expecting them to be quite as shell shocked as they were. They didnt really know what to say to me, which wasnt all that reassuring, but we talked for a good half hour and at least they now know. I dont want to say what the issue is, but rest assured im not going anywhere.

At first, with hind-sight, I seemed to have verry successfully repressed the entire situation for at least a week, however a few beers with a good friend and the topic surfaced. This was bad; I was quite happy ignoring everything, however keeping it inside was bad and mentally unhealthy. I do beleive telling my parents was a good idea, however I cant help feeling that simply carring on 'under the radar' would have been just as rewarding for my mental state! They already have enough to think about without wondering if im ok, I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders though, and for now I can focus on revision and uni.
Untill my exams are over I've just got to put my situation in a box and lock it away and just make sure I do re-open it when the time is right.

Im far too young to making these kind of moral decisions!! but its not going to go away and resolve itself, this is perhaps one of the biggest and most important decision i have ever had to make, mellodramatic? sadly not.

There are plenty of good things going on at the same time though, I had a really good surf at Polzeath a few days ago, and in the next few days im squeezing in some biking. Im spending more and more time doing the things I love in an attempt to keep my sanity at an exceptable level, however in doing so im compromising the amount of work I do for my exams, which ironically will, in time, allow me to do those things I love so much.

oh life you prove so testing! well thats the serious things dealt with for the time being. hopefully things for the time being will pick up!


Perhaps I should introduce myself, im Wurthers.

well this is certainly the start of something

I missed blogging,

Often i'd scrawl on my myspace blog, knowing that few people ever read it and I could pretty much write anything. Well that chance is back on this thing.

My life of late has become full to the brim of problems, so I decided to start a blog, perhaps as a, well, now conscious attempt to work through them and help make sence of everything. It's also a brilliant form of procrastination.

I dont think I will blog retrospectivly, but simply from the immediate present onwards. My parents are visiting tomorrow and I've got to have a very serious conversation with them about my health, thats going to be a barrel of laughs.

So I will leave it at that for now, in time I will set the scene for you...

...untill then.