Friday, 30 December 2011

Monday, 26 December 2011

Happy Christmas

I went to Canada 12 weeks ago, I also went to Whistler to ride bikes.

I fell off, dislocated my right shoulder and broke my wrist.

I also had another incident over the summer which dislocated my right shoulder.

I've now, (you can do the maths) dislocated my right shoulder twice, and will be having surgery to stabilize it on the 18th of January.

The 18th of January is 364 days after my fathers death, 1 day before the mark of a year since he died, and a mere 5 days before what would be his 57th birthday.

I will be having the same surgery that I had last February, just on a different shoulder.

How do I feel about this? Angry, pleased, shameful, happy, excited and sad. Yes, One person can feel all those emotions at once, and Man can feel all these emotions at once, not just Women.

Why out of all the days am I writing on Christmas day you ask? Well because today is the first Christmas without dad, and so far has been a very emotional day. Now that doesn't mean I've been wandering around blubbering and crying, far from it. I've been cheery and smiley, but deep down, there is an incomprehensible loss that lurks and lingers and will not leave me be. This house is no home. My best friend no longer resides under it's roof, the banter I enjoyed and thrived on so much has been replaced with a chilling sobriety. There is little joy here.

Christmas has re iterated this, Matthew serves up some laughter, we always did together, but we were never supposed to be a double act, it was always the four of us that made it work.

I could have waited for this surgery, many of you think I am stupid to pay to have it now, when I can wait to have it free. I can see why you think I should wait, and if you think I am stupid then good for you, you are entitled to your opinion, but do not express it to me unless it comes in a constructive manner. I am having surgery soon rather than later for many reasons, but mainly because my Mother is offering to pay, and frankly, I am tired of living a life on hold. Waiting for the next person to give me an answer, or more apt to my situation, waiting for the next person to give me an ambiguous answer which is actually worse than no answer at all.

I need to start my life again, I have not lived my own life properly for some time now. I have either lived from weekend to weekend when I was visiting my dad, lived from event to event in a vain attempt to deny my loss, or lived my life dictated by my poor health. This is not to say I have had some great times over the last few years, I have had many, but the road has been no straight line, it has been full of sharp turns and stop signs. Until I can clear that road, I will not be able to re start my life. For example, I am currently living my life waiting, waiting for the opinion of a doctor, a doctor who does not even know the word clarity exists, let alone how to formulate it. I cannot move on until I am the one in control of my life again, and I will be in control of my life again when my health is restored to 'normal', mentally and physically.

Please do not challenge my life choices; support them, whether you agree with them or not. Also I know that a lot of my health issues have been self inflicted, but some have not.

After all life is to be lived.

So for now I am focusing on getting better, so I can focus on the next chapter of my life and where I want it to take me, and I am not waiting around.

Jack

- Decide who you are, what you want to be, hold on and ride it out

p.s - There was no intention to convey self pity in this message. Not much anyway. I am a very positive person, between all the waiting I am active, keeping my self busy and enjoying life. I am just enjoying life in bite size chunks, with the illusive bigger picture waiting for me some where in the future. I know my situation, I know how it is effecting me, and writing here has been a way for me to deal with it. With often no intended audience I would write down explicitly how I feel with no purpose other than to vent emotion. This post is different in that I have considered an audience and thus the need to mention the style of writing. I never want people to feel sorry for me, in fact, I hate it when people feel sorry for me.

Happy Christmas.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Clearly no one reads this, but seeing as I posted in this for months on the build up to my final exams I feel I owe it to my non existent audience and my self to report back my results.

I got 59.3% overall, and because my second year mark was a 57.something % this meant that...


I am now a Bachelor of Science with an honoury degree in Psychology, awarded a Second Class honours, upper tier degree, yup, I got the 2:1.

I got the very thing I set out to achieve, I wrote 2:1 on my hand every day, I lost sleep for months, I turned down trips to see friends, I turned down many things this summer in the pursuit of the degree I so desired, and it all paid off.

I spent the second year of uni getting my head around my dad having cancer, I then spent the third year preparing my self for his death, and ultimately watching him die. Despite this, despite two bouts of surgery on myself, and more to come, I some how, mustered the motive and determination to get that 2:1. to prove to everyone that no matter what happens, I can still achieve what ever I want in life.

After the past year, any self doubt in myself, has been thrown out the window in style, I can do anything if I put my mind to it, and that excites me, I have it in me to make my life exactly what I want to make it, and I now fully believe this. I just wish dad could see what I have become, however it was him dying that has made me what I am now. Dad dying was the motivation for me to carry on studying. He did not give up his fight against cancer, he was truly inspirational in his fight, dignified and brave to the end, and it was witnessing this unbelievable courage and determination to save face in front of family that made me realise that if he can do that, then I can do anything.

In the few days running up to his death, some of the last words he spoke to me were...

..."you'll do me proud won't you"...

...well I have Dad, I've done you proud, and I will keep doing so forever, and I hope you don't mind but I might just get your initials tattooed on my wrist so that just in case I ever waver in life I have an instant reminder of everything I stand for, my morals, beliefs, motivations and my main source of inspiration.

You were a fantastic dad, and my best friend, and if I can be half the man you were I will be satisfied. I think I've made a good start.

Love you always.



Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Thoughts cannot have physical effects upon another person.

I feel bad and guilty,

but thoughts, cannot have physical effects upon other people,

I must tell myself this. remember this. I'm not responsible.

It is anxiety that drives nasty thoughts, there is NO intention, just thought.

Thoughts cannot kill.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Well Google + can suck my balls

Why the fuck have all my photos from previous posts gone?!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!

this is all because of this new fucking Google + shit.

The photos from my blog came up on Google + but I deleted them off google + becuase I didnt want everyone seeing them...

...and FUCK MY LIFE they have deleted them off my blogspot.

I just give up.

Friday, 15 July 2011

Skepticism

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a skeptic, I feel like my skepticism simply quashes the hope others hold onto. The pretense that something completely irrational and non meaningful holds some sacred meaning, is just that, its irrational.

The brain is so hell bent on meaning and understanding, we often find meaning where there simply is none.

Each to their own I guess.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Highs and Lows

As per usual I'm writing in my blog with no real reason or motive other than, well, I feel i should.

I'm currently sat on a train on my way home to Hereford, interestingly the only reason I'm writing this now is because my phone has ran out of battery so i cant mindlessly sit on facebook, (I'm writing in notepad). I cant remember what my last post was. I think it was something along the lines of "shit hit the fan",

Well it has.

I've not yet seen my surgeon, but it would seem that I have potentially damaged the labrum and other shoulder muscles via an accident i had a week ago. That is, re damaged. The 5 months of hard physiotherapy were not a complete waste though. In injuring myself i managed to hurt both of my shoulders, my right shoulder fully dislocated anteriorly and was in such a way for 8 hours, and much to my amazement my left shoulder, arguably the weaker of the two, only came away with aches and pains and 5 subluxions over the last three days. A subluxion is a partial dislocation towards the edge of the socket which spontaneously, or with the guide of your other arm quickly re locates. This means that the glenhoid labrum (CHECK) has been stretched, and indeed the muscles that i had surgery on have stretched again, however whether there is a tear or not is still not clear.
My physio does not think i have re teared my labrum due to the very little pain I am feeling and the fully range of movement. However he is not a shoulder specialist. Typically, there is a long waiting list to see my surgeon Mr Hay, so for now I
really do not know what to do.

Shoulder Dislocation Rehabilitation is somewhat of a controversial matter, for example my physio has told be that an adduction/abduction (CHECK) sling for 6 weeks will be sufficient. However web resources have stated that 2 weeks maximum is required in a sling, anything after that is pointless as it simply leads to more stiffness and more pain.

This 2 week sling period is great for me as I'm due to start work soon. As for my left shoulder, it has been suggested I have an Arthrogram and MRI, which is basically where my laburm is injected with a dye which under MRI will reveal any tears.

It really is just a joke isn't it. How can one person have so much bad luck, and just exactly when will I have a clear run of no mishaps?

It was no more than a week before this happened that I was discharged by my physio Chris Ward, and yet I found myself visiting him again today at the nuffield to start another long bid of rehab.

However there have been many positive things in my life of late. Glastonbury festival was out of this world. I drank all my alcohol in the first two nights, got on average 4 hours sleep every day and woke up drunk 5 of the 6 nights I was there. I saw some fantastic music in a vast array of different states, from sober to, well, lets just say far from sober. I made some new friends, chilled with current, and generally had an amazing time, it was a real escape from reality and came, despite the lack of sleep and a very refreshing week.

This was followed my three days in Paris. One thing that was surreal here was departing Glastonbury and then Bristol Airport in a nice 21DegC and landing in Paris in upwards of 35DegC. After a week binging at Glastonbury I must have sweated out a
lot of toxins there. Paris was completely worth it though, a beautiful city, with a beautiful way of life. If it wasn't for my complete inability to speak French, let alone English Id happily live there. On a role, I made it back from Paris to Bristol and down to Plymouth before heading to Newquay. Newquay was great, it was brilliant to see the lads, but, well, I was a mess, I was physically and mentally exhausted and really just wanted to go to bed and not get out for a long time. However it was Daes stag doo, he would only be having one and i had to be there. But this weekend, for me at least, became tainted by my accident, and it was here in Newquay, that my shoulders met their worst challenge yet.

OK so this is becoming a very long blog, I don't want to stop writing though, so I will chunk it up into sections with photos so it is easier to digest and you, my non existent audience can pick and choose which sections you want to read about.


The final positive in the messy puzzle of the last two weeks has come in the form of Sarah Youen. We met at pre drinks to a spontaneous night out a few weeks ago in Plymouth. A complete breath of fresh air, it was so nice to meet someone that was
and is so genuine, and so genuinely loves life. There are no pretenses, no prejudgements, no girly snobbery, just a girl who wants to have fun in life, and certainly knows how to have fun in life. We hit it off straight away and even I couldn't believe how I could so comfortably spend so much time with someone that I had just met. Since returning from Glasto, Paris and Newq we have pretty much hung out everyday, doing what we like and loving every minute of it.

So despite ruining my shoulders and potentially having to spend a few weeks in a sling, the past month has been full of sheer brilliance.

Glastonbury is actually another world, a world everyone should experience.

Paris is a beautiful city, a city that deserves 3 days of any ones time

Newquay stag doos are not my cup of tea in the slightest, but is something I think everyone should have the chance to experience,

and the company of Sarah Youen is something I hope will continue, for I feel we have many more adventures to come.

Lets see what the future holds...

Friday, 8 July 2011

2:1




Well, Ive only received half of my exam results so far but this is how they stand

377 = 59.25%
379 = 57.30%
388 = 65%
389 = 62%


So thats a 2:1 for my dissertation which Im pretty happy with. It also means that im currently averaging above 57% in all my modules which means I am on track to get a 2:1 overall.

I just wish dad was here, I wish a could call him and tell him the news, he would be so proud, I want to hear him say he is proud of me. I know he will be, I know he is, but I want him here, I want to tell him to his face and give him a hug. Writing on my arm everyday seems to have paid off so far, looks like I need to keep doing it to get me through my next set of exams.

Fingers crossed, this is for you Dad.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Broken Again


As usual my streak of good luck and fortune has been stunted by more bad luck.

I don't know the degree to which this blog is actually viewed by people, and so the seriousness of certain facts being shared on here are suddenly amplified. As a result there may be a degree of ambiguity in this post purely because it is in my best interest that I do not share with you the full story, or certain facts.

Read into the following how you prefer.

I was paint balling the other day, when I fell and dislocated my shoulder. I was completely gutted. Ive just spent 5 months re rehabilitating my left shoulder and now, I go and fall over and dislocate the right shoulder. That is a god sent (arguable) that I did not dislocate the left one, but I have still been left with two dodgy shoulders, the left is tender, the right having been fully dislocated is very tender and painful. Interestingly the left is actually giving me some trouble and feels like it keeps subluxing or something, every now and again I have to freeze and gently manoeuvre my shoulder back into place, or at least that is what it feels like.

This is what it looked like after my fall.

Looks fucked doesn't it.
After some entenox, morphine and a sedative, I awoke to find my shoulder back in the correct position and feeling so so much more comfortable. I have a fracture clinic appointment this Friday and physio this coming Monday so fingers crossed Ive only put myself back 2 months max.

I should still be fine to drive and do my job this summer as well, so that's good, and I did manage to fit in a cheeky surf before this happened, but still, what the hell is up with me and my streak of bad luck, will it ever end?

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

New Bike


insurance job...Specialized Pitch Comp, 2011 model, pretty nice.

Monday, 20 June 2011

oops

this was a mistake...However these were not...X

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

I don't even know where to start, since my last post so much has happened. But perhaps the most important thing is that I've plateaued at a steady positive level.

I went home for Easter and had such a good time, within hours of being back in herefordshire I was sat on top of a local common which has a view of the whole of north hereford. I was up there with some good mates, some beer and some smokes, and it was perfect, and it was in that moment that I kneww things were starting to turn for the better.

Since that moment they really have. I went on to have some good nights out, and even hooked up with a local girl who, frankly, I've liked ever since I met her years ago.

Hereford was so good I didn't want to leave for Plymouth, but I did leave as I had to revise ALOT for my exams.

I sat my exams, the first one was emotional, nothing exam related, I just felt the pressure of wanting to do well for my dad, no one else. The exams went ok ish, and I get the results in July, but I also have three more exams in September as I chose to spread them out on the premise that I will do better with more time.

that revision period was tough, and everyone kept giving me jip if i so much as made a comment about how hard the revision was

"what ever jack you've only got three exams" - its hard to tell your best mates to fuck off, so I just stayed quiet, in fact, I ended up not revising with them for the best part. I know they never meant anything bad, but I think they did at times lack the relevant insight into just exactly what I'd been through, and anyway, I was revising just as much as them, alas, that was in the past and changes nothing.

Post revision was, and still is proving to be very messy. I've pretty much drunk every day since my exams here in Plymouth, then I went home, and carried on drinking.


So much has happened that I could blog about, but I don't think I'm going to, they are my memories.

Only in the last few days have I felt some what, lost, I'm not sure why, I think it might be because everyone is off traveling, I'm staying here, and also that, I don't know, I feel like I'm missing someone, not just dad, but someone else, or maybe something* I don't know. I'm sure it will resolve. How can it not with glasto next week, Paris afterwards and a stag do after that, my poor liver.

Though all I have to do is look through the photos of the past few weeks to realize a) just how lucky I am to have the friends I have and b) how positive I've been. Positive enough to enjoy myself, alot!

I wish I could carry on drinking, having good times, and generally being merry, but something always smacked you back into reality. Don't worry I've had my momentsI love the above picture, Unless you know, you kinda don't notice that I'm flat on my front lay in the sun, hungover to shit! see me now? haha

So yes, things have slowly begun to fall back into place, I feel positive most of the time, and I think I'm happy, I'd like to have someone to share things with, but for now I should just be happy that my own life is back on track, I even got my licence back today, It seems like only yesterday I was blogging in here about how I would have to hand it in, and worse still, tell my parents what had happened. How time flys.

I need to blog soon about my feelings on dad, for my own mental soundness

Until then x

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

DONT GIVE UP

My hand is currently inked:

DAD 2:1

DONT GIVE UP.




Monday, 2 May 2011

Edge

I'm really on edge, un settled, un able to concentrate, ever since I came back to Plymouth a few days ago beleive it or not. I dont want to be here, I dont want to be reivising, I want to go back to Hereford and hang out with good friends.

I'm really struggling with motivation. I need more than just writing "DAD 2:1" on my arm.

I need a motivational speech, and some incentive.

Give me a clue Dad, give me some motivation...before I through it all away in the last few weeks.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Appreciate

I woke up to the sound of woodpeckers and cuckoos this morning. I've showered, eaten, and sat down at my desk.


I've opened the window. The clouds are lining up in uniform, regimenting the brilliant blue behind it, the greens of the trees are a steady glow, and the foreground of my view is filled with blossom. Pink from a tree to my right, and floating effortlessly from the left to the right is small fluffy blossom carried on a breeze from a tree that simply resembles a giant dandy lion. The wind breeches my window every now and then and carries in a few pieces of tree fluff which enter and float down before settling. Fleet Foxes - Mykonos orchestrates this sight for now, but in between tracks the birds have their say, chiff chaff, chirp accompanied by the bristling wind in the trees. Green, blue, white, pink.

I feel lucky today, lucky to be alive, lucky to have my health, because none of this means anything to anyone, if you do not have your health.

I'm appreciating it, for as long as I'm appreciating things I will not worry for my own mental health.

Enjoy.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

+ve

I genuinely think that things are starting to pick up in my life.

Though will I feel like this next week?

Even I don't know the answer to that.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Song of the week #14




I just wrote the nastiest blog ever, so nasty that I felt guilty and deleted it.

Though rest assured...it felt fucking good.

MUSIC - Eargasm...no wait I just blew up my ear drums.

Monday, 4 April 2011

Song of the week #13





Stupid, rubbish, but I keep listening to it.

Das Racist - You Oughta Know

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Gone.

So many missed opportunities. I hate myself for it.

Three years of uni gone in a flash.

If I could re do it, I would change so much.

I wish I had 'no regrets'. Right now my entire life feels like a massive regret.

Getting out of bed in the morning is going to suck.


I drank so much drink, smoked so much hash.

I rode my bike too much and destroyed my head.

I looked romance square in the face and saw straight through it.

I wandered through uni doing what I wanted to do.

I wandered through uni by myself.


Three years of uni, felt like one year in a haze.

Nothing holds up for you, the good moments never last long enough.

Tomorrow will be another day of the same shit.

It feels like I see regret everywhere I look.

Everything I do is tainted with bad luck.


I regret Vodka, I regret riding so much downhill, I regret many people, Houses, Choosing a uni so far away.

so much regret that I regret myself.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

I was pushing 60 the other day...

...really, well i struggle with the resistance of a rubber band, no shit.

I'm fucking hardcore I am.

dooo do do do do doooooooooo doooooooooo doooooooo doooooooooooo do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGelieqTF7U


dooo do do do do doooooooooo doooooooooo doooooooo doooooooooooo do

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Song of the week #12




Fresh new Death Cab For Cutie from the fourth (or should that be seventh?) coming album 'Codes and Keys'

Listen Here

Sounds Promising!

Monday, 28 March 2011

Dwarf hamsters and a rare bike

Given as I still can't ride bikes for at least another 6 weeks, and I can't swim for another 6 weeks, and I can't do ANYTHING for what feels like EVER...

...I bought some Dwarf Hamsters.

Say hello to Shilo and Loop





They are awesome, they make me laugh, and they let met escape from reality, so they are complete winners in my opinion!

I have also built up the SX frame with the parts off my hardtail...


Again, it has given me something to think about, something to do that is not work. I'm going to sell the hardtail frame and fund a few parts for this bike. Then I may sell it for a nice price, and get something cheaper, pocket the spare cash and buy something else to make some more money on. Thing is, now it's built, I just want to ride it, all the time!

Tired.

J

Song of the week #11

Electric President - Safe and Sound

I don't think this song will ever get old.

HERE

all this time you've been drifting out with the tide my friend

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Song of the week #10




Im getting a bit back logged here, I should be posting song of the week # 11

But for continuity i will post what i spent week 10 of 2011 listening to...the new chooon by Flux Pavilion call Bass Cannon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zn-xBW-fbo

Turn your bass up, and enjoy it in all its PHATNESS.

This is also a good remix if you tend to side with Drum and Bass over Dubstep...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVn4jPmVWW4&feature=related

I kinda like that remix better!

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

A Very Poignant One





Today is the first time in a few weeks that Ive actually felt like writing. I don't know why, well in fact it could be many reasons, it could be that Plymouth is currently basked in sunshine with temperatures up to 14degrees, or the fact im in shorts, or the fact im still on a high (but feeling bad) from drinking last night, or that Ive just had my first physio session, or that i can actually type at a laptop.

What ever it is, in fact no, i know why I'm typing here and its because I'm procrastinating.

I guess I'm feeling good after my physio appointment because he was massively impressed with my range of movement, and said that given the time frame since my op i was very advanced in rehab. He did however say that I should not be riding bikes at least for anther 8 weeks, that was a kick in the balls.

It's really nice to know that the stupid sling (the one i blogged about a while ago) which held my arm in ab/adduction was actually a massive benefit, and contributed greatly to my shoulders state. How I wore that massive, 'Ive just ripped the arm off a cinema arm chair' sling for four weeks whilst dealing with everything at home, and NOT melt down, OK melt down more than i did, is completely beyond me.

I need to blog here more, its the only person i have to talk too down here. Well that's not true, friends are here for me, but i choose not to talk to them. I dont want to burden them with my shit when they have stuff to get on with. I know in the grand scheme of things a dissertation has the significance of a grain of sand in a desert, but to everyone else its massively important, and my nonchalance at times probably irritates people.

But recently, Ive really start to just not give a fuck.

about anything.

I'm supposed to be working now, trying to get a first draft of my project done by Friday. WHY? I've got till may 19Th, why am i putting even more pressure on my self, I'm just going to burn out. pointless.

I'm also massively denying dad, putting off dealing with it fully until my exams are over. I'm going home soon though, and i will be forced to deal with it there, which is probably a good thing.

Ive had so many dreams of dad, not nice dreams of when he wasn't ill, all of when he was, i guess because that was a traumatic time and its still on my mind, a lot. But I don't want it to be. I had one dream, where i was sat in the church at the service, and dad appeared, came over to me, sat by me and told me that everything will be OK.

I wish he could say that to me in person.

It will still reassuring though, and i think over time my dreams will start to resolve, or rather i will start to resolve my issues with grievance and thus my dreams will resolve. There is so much going on in my mind that people don't know about, why should they, I'm not going to tell them, but as a result people think you are fine, they ask how you are and you want to tell them that your dad has died and you have lost the one inspiration in your life and that you cant even describe how that makes you feel, but you don't, you just say something rubbish, like 'yer up and down', something that they might be able to fathom even on the most superficial level. People think you can just carry on, but the only life that has ended here is my dads, my life hasn't ended and it won't wait for me, i have to carry on, i have to pass my exams, i have to carry on living my life, for him, i have to find a way.

This is very poignant(right word?) for me, Ive surprised myself. Clearly i needed to write in this blog more than i thought, i was just waiting for the right time, seems like I've found it. Maybe i should get drunk and sober up and write whilst still in that sober post drinking high more often.


So yer i don't know where I'm going with this, but i think Ive successfully 'gone there'. I hope all this writing is beneficial.


J

P.S there are spelling mistakes, but im not here to practice my grammar. Also, do I 'i' or 'I'? Meh

Acknowledgements : Listened to: Electric President, Safe and Sound whilst i was writing this Beautiful song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27bESHiJ9cU

read about Electric President here: http://haveyoumetheather.blogspot.com/2011/02/in-which-electric-president-will-keep.html

these links look messy, weill try harder next time. meh

Monday, 7 March 2011

Song of the Week #9





T.V On The Radio - DLZ

This song is song of the week because I've listened to it in some fowl moods and some reflective ones. Songs are fully open to your own interpretation, that's the beauty of music, for me this song expresses what I've felt over the last week; frustration, anger, and a sadness of the complete mess of life...

'Congratulations on the mess you made of things'

and perhaps the hopelessness of things...

'This is beginning to feel like the long winded blues of the never'

I'm struggling of late, to express how I feel. I feel, but I don't express. At the moment music allows me to vent how I feel in a weird way, I'm not sure that makes sense...

...but the music and lyrics of others can often work on a level for me, like a form of in-direct, second hand catharsis.

What I think the song is about it irrelevant, what you think the song is about is irrelevant, the same song, in different moods can mean completely different things.

Is there a right and wrong in interpretation of music?

Music is Art, Art is open to interpretation, but both Music and Art do have original meanings and history, but I don't think I want to know what they are.

As soon as you get to the bottom of something, it's often lost all of it's magic and meaning.

So without further a do...listen: Tv on the Radio - DLZ


Wednesday, 2 March 2011

1 Month Since Op

Yup, its been one month since I had my second shoulder op.

Ive done 4 weeks in a sling which makes up phase 1 of my re hab!

Phase 2 consisits of no activities that are 'strenious' to my shoulder for 2 months.

In that two months Im hoping to at least be able to get on a bike and cycle to and from Uni, but Im not rushing. Maybe some swimming? Maybe not. Havnt seen my physio yet, but from research on the internet Ive got at least 2 weeks of very basic exercises to do every day.

So then I'm still looking at August for my first surf in, well, a year!

This PDF is really handy for shoulder issues:
http://www.surfingdoctors.com/images/articles/The%20Surfers%20Shoulder.pdf

This PDF might just become my Bible: http://www.haysortho.com
/Anterior%20Labral%20Repair.pdf




Time Ticks Relentlessly.

Monday, 28 February 2011

Speshie




This is my new Project, a 2009 Specialized Sx Short. Only three in the Uk apparently. Im going to build it up over the next few months, so by the time im fixed and my arm is fully recovered and back to strength this bike should be read to rip. Going for a light build, strength isnt paramount as I wont be riding full on downhill, more trail riding, possibly some 4x

Going to be a beast!

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Catharsis

I feel really lost.

I want to speak to Dad.

Tell him whats going on in my life.

Make sure Im still doing him proud.

Hear some words of wisdom, some inspiration,

Its so unfair, so fucking unfair.

Its a weekend, the sun is shining, if I was back home he would be out in the garden, washing the car, I could pop out, sit on the bench with him whilst he drinks his coffee, and just talk, have a laugh, joke about things.

I just want to talk to him, sit with him.

but I can't ever again, that's the worst of all.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Sunday, 20 February 2011

AARH

Wishes everyone would just stop telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing!

Its my shoulder and I know what I can and cant do with it, I know its limits, you're not the one with an arm in a sling, so stop the lectureing!

I know everyone has the best of intentions, but fuck me, do I really need everyone to tell me how to live my life for the next 6 months?

No, I dont.

You can't do you dissertation because your arm is in a sling, and you cant use it until June. blahh blahh blahh

ok fine I'll do nothing for 6 months then...that will go down a fucking treat wont it.

Friday, 18 February 2011

For every week...

I had a seriously good cry today. No beating about the bush, the tissues were out, my nose was running and I was mopping my eyes and nose with the same tissues!

I had read about people feeling quite contented before being overwhelmed with emotion and wandered when it would happen to me. Well it happened after my shoulder appointment today, hearing you have two more weeks in a sling, followed by no activity until June, and then another two months of training before I can surf does not bode well for someone who already has nothing really worth getting out of bed for.

I cried because for the first time since dad passed away I really needed to call him up, talk face to face and for him to tell me everything will be fine, I know for a fact that he would say one sentence and everything would be better and I would be feeling more positive. Of course there was none of that, its all very well being able to dish out advice, but to take your own advice can often be difficult. So I broke down. Mum says all the right things too and is fantastic, but it was just that this was the first time I really needed dad. Don't get me wrong i miss him every waking minute, but it just struck me today that i can never phone him up again for advice. I even foresaw this event, I knew that as soon as i really needed dad around, that that would be the moment I cave. He was on my 'wavelength' so much that he knew what i thought, how i felt about things and as a result knew exactly how to tackle me to get me on the straight and narrow again, he would do it all effortlessly as well. For the months dad was in the hospice I just got by, I just got on with life and there weren't really many situations were I needed his reassurance, and if I did, I could always go and seem him, even if he wasn't entirely sure what was going on I could just sit by his bed and hold his hand, he didn't even have to be conscious to be reassuring, just being in the same room as him was enough.

I needed that today, but it hasn't made me feel a whole lot better, if anything it's just made me realize even more just how much I miss him.



Monday, 14 February 2011

Song of the Week #6


Well, I had no idea what was going to be song of the week until Sunday. I watched a video on you tube and this song was playing in the background.

Its called 'Kiss with Fists' and its by 'Ki: Theory'

Real nice mellow vibe, I can see this being played a lot in the coming weeks, they have some other good songs too, especially 'The Smallest Piece'

http://www.myspace.com/kitheory





Saturday, 12 February 2011

Three Weeks In



I'm pretty sure everyone is fed up of hearing me moan, so I was thinking about not writing anything, but, the whole reason I'm writing in here is not for you, its purely for me, OK the songs of the week and other random crap is less for me and more for you, kinda, but the detailed log of my unlucky streak, health etc is for me. So having temporarily deluded myself, Ive seen sense again, as a result I think I need to type in here, I don't even know what I'm about to type, so apologies if its shit, but I need to write something, Ive spent a whole week feeling a mixture of emotions.

Ive only been in Hereford for the past week because Ive pretty much been instructed to by a family friend, who just happens to be a retired anaesthetist. In talking to him, we established that returning to Plymouth would not be a good idea as the general anesthetic will still be having an effect on me, and although putting myself in the library all day will make me feel better about myself, he said there is a very good chance absolutely none of it will make sense, that's if you could keep your eyes open. To be fair he has been spot on, Ive spent most of this week dozing in and out of consciousness, a direct result of clockwork Diclofenac, Solpadol and Tramadol, and probably the reminiscence of my general anesthetic. In fact whilst we are on the topic of general anesthetic, whatever I was given when I was in the pre op room was absolutely mind numbingly fantastic. I think it was Propofol, a drug used to induce unconsciousness whilst other drugs are administered. Well right before I delved into the depths of that unconsciousness I got a taste of what Profonol can do to you whilst your conscious, and all I can say is it puts morphine to shame, I instantly had mild double vision, there were suddenly two clocks on the wall and the people around me were swaying, but at the same time I was in complete nirvana, so floaty, so distant, then it all ended and I was out cold, next thing I'm dopey as anything in a recovery room.

So as long winded as that was, that is the primary reason Ive been stuck at home all week. Its driven me insane, I cant escape, I can barely brush my own teeth let alone keep myself occupied. Right now the last thing I want to be doing is nothing. Mum and Matt have been keeping busy, doing extra work or spending more time in the garden, just so that their mind is kept active, as soon as you stop you think about dad. Well I haven't had the opportunity to keep busy to avoid stopping, so Ive been in bed most days, unable to concentrate on anything, and yes dad has been on my mind, hes on my mind every waking minute, (and sleeing minute) but, for some reason I'm not very emotional, still numb to it all. However it doesn't take much to change that. I think that I think dad is still going to walk through the door, or that hes on holiday or he's gone away, like Ive said before I can quite easily type here that I know I'm never going to see him again, but the just feel like empty words with no meaning, it feels like a lie.

Some times it takes years to get back to normal/recover/accept what ever you want to call it. Do you ever get back to normal? will things ever feel the same again? I know that our house is very quiet, my brother came around last night and it was so bizarre to think that just the three of us, that that is the Wetherbee family now. not four, three. There is no banter, no laughter, no mockery, me and dad fired on the same wave length to such an extent that anything and everything was easily turned into a joke, that's all gone, Ive got no one to bounce off anymore. ok so now i get emotional. so I'm left wandering around this empty silent house that's got an incomprehendable hole in it. I'm in a sling, I cant escape, I cant do anything about it. My coping strategies have gone out the window, I cant go for a three hour surf session, three hours of nothing but focusing on surf, I cant go for a bike ride either, nothing. I just get to moap around the house soaking up the loss.
That's about all I feel at the moment is an epic sense of loss, an epic hole in my life, and an huge amount of sadness. I think Ive had one day in the last, well, months really that Ive felt positive, I knew it wouldn't last long and it didn't, it lasted until that evening. But at least that day has acted as a reminder of how it feels to be positive, to have things to look forward to, but ever since that day I haven't come close to feeling that positivity, perhaps once I leave the house that may change. I'm going to Plymouth on Monday, however last time I went to Plymouth I didn't get that pick me up, the Plymouth Pick Me Up that always works, seems for now, to be on hold. Will that change?

So many questions, there are so many uncertainties that I don't know the answer to, except that oh so clinched saying "it takes time" yer well time will tell, of course, but that doesn't help me right now, here, lying in bed at nearly 4pm having not got out all day because there is nothing to get out of bed for. I'm not moaper by nature, I'm a dooer, but I'm not fatherless my nature either, so I think I'm probably allowed to moap. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I should? should I stop whining and just try and get on? should I be talking more about this, should I this, should I that, I question myself and my own actions quite a lot these days, I never generate a convincing answer.

So where do I find my self three weeks on?

The bottom line is that three weeks down the line and I still feel lost and empty, yes Ive got mum and Matt and loads of friends, but dad, dad was the one I always turned to in need. and right now I'm in dire need and he's not here to turn to. Mum is fantastic but she is grieving in her own way and right now I'm staying strong for her and helping her deal with everything, friends too, but, I dont know, its different. When you loose such an amazing bond with someone, its just on a different level.

So three weeks on and its still not really happening, its all just a surreal, bizarre situation that feels like it will soon resolve its self. Of course that's how I feel, but at the same time I know its not true, so given that I can feel and express two conflicting beliefs, I think I'm mostly certainly in denial, or perhaps just still numbed by what has happened.

Whatever the hell Is going on with me, Ive got to deal with it and take it as it comes.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

New Slang Sling


As soon as I typed 'New Sling' I immediately thought of 'New Slang' by The Shins. What a seamless anecdote for a seamlessly brilliant song, listen. Its featured in the film 'Garden State' as well, I fell asleep when I watched it, but apparently it really is very good.

Any how, New Sling.

I've got a new sling, this one is a bit more up market than your average sling, this sling holds my arm in a position that is perpendicular to my body, so in other words my arm is facing forwards. To accomplish this position there is a massive piece of padding between my arm and body, a complete sweat feast! a strap goes around my waist, and another strap around my back before splitting at the arm pit, one going over my shoulder the other under my arm pit before meeting up and going back around to the sling. So now I've got two armpits that's are going to sweat up like Jackson on a school bus. Lovely.
There is also a ball that my hand can rest on, quite a good idea, but not such a good idea is having the ball covered in the most man made material you could imagine, a sweat fest nylon/polyester material. Idiots!

So anyway it looks a little like this one on the left, except mine has a ball for the hand, and those straps around the opposite armpit that I mentioned. Ive spent almost a week in a normal sling, so its only three in this sling now. What really frustrates me is because it is so big i cant write, so that's another 3 weeks of uni that I cant write.

So far this academic year I have taken about 1 weeks worth of notes, the rest of the time I have been in a sling, or had an arm that aches after about 15 Min's of note taking, which led me to not bother. I'm really concerned with how much uni work I've missed. But its fine, this is the last chapter in my whole shoulder experience, I'm fed up of hearing the word shoulder, typing the word shoulder, I'm fed up of my own shoulder!

:/

Ive bought a new T - Shirt, I love tees , they are like a good pain of jeans, reliable and worn to death, so when I came across this bike related tee whilst shopping for a friends birthday I couldn't resist. Grey is a good base colour, will look good by its self or under a zip hood, clean and simple and bike related. sorted! Check out the full range here. Its also just a really cool website with regular bike related posts about, um, bikes.

Ive also bought a bag to carry stuff around at uni so that my s******r doesn't hurt too much.


So yes, I have a new sling, I hate it, but its got to be worn other wise I wont be able to do things I want to do without my s******r fucking up again.

Whilst writing this Ive listened to the whole album 'Wincing The Night Away' by 'The Shins' and its brilliant. Worth a listen for sure. I think I will leave the blog at that, there is plenty to talk about, but everything is better in smaller chunks right? Plus my Tramadol is wearing off and I need a poo.

Cheers

Monday, 7 February 2011

Song of the Week #5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4D5Ecahsps

Purely because I'm agressive, don't get too close I might Kill you, or Push you at best.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Shit hit the fan

There are not many situations where I can't say the right thing to make someone feel better, I'd like to think that even in the toughest situations I can say something to help,

so when some one turns to you and says:

"dont worry about trying to find the right words to say to make me feel better, you wont, so just eat your dinner"

its makes you realize just how much, and indeed how bad, the shit has hit the fan.

J

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Nero Essential Mix






http://generationbass.com/2010/11/24/nero-essential-mix/

I cannot stress just how much I love this mix. Ive listened to it in various moods, and its safe to say that this is one of the few pieces of music (yes I am labeling this a piece of music) that I have heard that you can listen to in any mood, will affect you in any mood, and leave you feeling better from whatever mood you were in in the first place.

I must admit the best time to listen to this is when your High or Highly emotional (pissed off or very happy). Ive read many many comments about listening to music when your high and how it sounds "jizztastic" and is like an "eargasm". What a load of shit I used to think to myself. But then I found myself to be in a particularly certain mood after I had had a shit day, in fact probably week, and subsequently was having a shit month. Anyway I often turn to music for reassurance and to generally improve my mood. On this low night in Plymouth, I put this mix on.

Now It may have been because I was in a fowl mood, or whatever, but whatever it was, this whole mix was taken to another level. For me the bet part is from 00:00 to around 30:00 which only covers the first 10 songs but of those ten songs there are some absolute classics, Flux Pavilion – I Can’t Stop, The Streets – In The Middle (Nero Remix), and Plan B – The Recluse (Nero Remix). 16:12 when that tune drops, that was the pinnacle of my night in a certain mood*and listening to DUB, this song just takes over, I'm not going to try and explain it as I'd sound like a knob, but I'm not going to condone smoking pot or whatever gets you high and listening either, as I still believe getting high is very bad for you.

After the first ten minutes the mix takes on a different genre any becomes less DUBStep and more standard DUB and electro, there are many tunes worth hearing from Nero and Daft Punk amongst others, however it is worth skipping to, and listening from 63:00 as you will soon pic up the epic mix of Muse - Exogensis Pt2.
Again I don't know all that much about music but managing to put such an amazing, symphonic piece of music into what is ultimately a drum and bass mix is unbelievable, and to make it work so well just shows what sort of a level Nero are working on, its music mastery surely.


The transition from Muse Exogensis Pt2 through to The Who - Baba O'Riley is in itself a masterpiece. From here it just gets better and better as Nero go on to mix chooons from Beastie Boys, Swedish House Mafia, DC Breaks, Sub Focus, Magnetic Man and of course Nero themselves. For example 83;00 - Swedish House Mafia One through to Sigma Paint it Black with the aid of Netsky of course is unreal.

I know many people, indeed a lot of my friends simply don't like this genre of music, and that is fair enough, but there is still no denying how well thought out and put together this mix is. In my opinion there are parts that I skip, but overall I cant get enough of this mix. Nero don't just mix songs like anyone else, they take it to a completely different level, they can make seamless, smooth transitions that sound perfect, and at the other end of the scale can make a sudden drop sound just as seamless. Random example
Skrillex - Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites to Nero - This Way.


I could go on but my shoulder hurts like a bitch, through out writing this I have been trying to think of a real criticism, well there arnt any really, except maybe that there is some more netsky! This is two hours of very well mixed and mastered work, I personally cannot wait for the future of Nero to unravel before us.

Oh and I guess I should mention their new Single Nero - Me and You, well if Nero carry on producing music like this record then they are going to be a massive part of 2011, Me and You is just one more fantastic tune to add to their already pretty impressive list. Song can be heard here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bE47er6qnqg



For the record I was high off Prescribed drugs for a broken shoulder, not Pot, reference to pot is simply because it is the choice of drug when listening to DUB for so many people, and if its anything like what I experienced from my prescribed pills...then crack on!


you can hear the mix here http://generationbass.com/2010/11/24/nero-essential-mix/
Photos from
www.myspace.com/nerouk

Cheers and Enjoy

Friday, 4 February 2011

New Shoulder, New Life

Well that's it everyone, it would seem the whole shoulder incident is over, Ive just had surgery to stabilize my shoulder and face 4 weeks in a sling before some intensive physiotherapy, and then, dare I say it, Im all back to normal!

Im not as sure about the ins and outs of the stabilization process, but I think it pretty much involved lots of stitch (internal) and knots to anchor the anterior and posterior labrum back to the socket, and I think the Glenoid had a bit of work done to it as well. This VIDEO outlines everything pretty well http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw4uub_H_Ko

So when I said it felt like I'd been stabbed with a screwdriver and thursted around in my shoulder, ironically, I was spot on.

Oh and this was floating around in there too...

thats a 5p and some cartilage, you can just make out lots of marks on it, presumably where its been grinding away inside my shoulder socket. Its like Wetherbee Ivory, I have no idea what to do with it, some kind of funky jewellery or something?


Yup so now I have a long thin scar, and three, to be tiny scars.

Do I get a 'Join the Dots' Tattoo incorporating the scars?

So hopefully this is the last of my chronic shoulder issue, 4 weeks in a sling, lots of physio (with the beautiful physio again!) then I'm back on the straight and narrow.
For now though I'm in plenty of pain and itching like crazy from the pain meds. Ive decided that having your shoulder poked and prodded is almost, if not, worse the clavicle surgery, but I guess this is a long dull aching pain that you cant get rid of easily, where as the clavicle was short sharp and sudden, and soon disappeared via immobilization.

Anyway, that's enough typing as my arm is starting to hurt. Watch this space for updates, photos, and all sorts, I do believe there is a video and photos of the actual Surgery! How cool is that.

Cheers Ears.

Monday, 31 January 2011

Song of the Week #4




I'm a big fan of songs with whistling in... 'Peter, Bjorn & John - Young Folks', 'Noah and the Whale - 5 years time' and '3OH!3 - Starstrukk Ft Katy Perry' I dont know why Im a fan of them as they usually end up annoying the fuck out of me after a while...but dont most songs if you listen to them, or rather Jo Wiley plays them enough? Generic "Jo Wiley Pop" I call it. Even if she finds something with the slightest shred of hope in it she will play it to death, destroying that shred of genius and turn it into 'just another crappy song'.

Jo Wiley is old and annoying (a bit like Chris Moyles) and is due to be replaced.

Anyway, the latest song on the radio to feature a whistle comes from 'Eliza Doolittle'. Her first single was 'Pay Up' which didnt have any whistling in it but was still a good tune. Her new song definatly has whislting it, it's called 'Skinny Genes'. Give it a week, or two, and I will probably have changed my mind and find it the most irritating song going, all thanks to Jo Wiley, but untill that happens, I'm loving it and as a result its going to be my song of the week #4

She sounds a lot like Lilly Allen and indeed Kate Nash, but has less of that 'chat' sound and more melody, well at least some of her songs do anyway, they are still very similar. Anyway...Songs with whistles in...

...Eliza Doolittle - Skinny Genes...Song of The Week #4

http://www.youtube.com/user/ElizaDoolittleVEVO




Sunday, 30 January 2011

Plymouth


Is currently in Plymouth, and feeling miss-placed, Im not sure where I want to be or indeed what I should be doing. So I did the only thing I can do, visit the sea, and with some friends, even better.

I get the impression Im just waiting for a meltdown, and I dont want to be by myself in a house with people I dont know very well when that happens, so Im currently camping out with the Psychos :) Surrounding myself with good friends and distractions is probably the way to go.

Havn't felt this unsettled in a long time.

:/

Friday, 28 January 2011

Church Reading

A few people wanted to know what I wrote and said at the Church, so here it is...


Firstly I d like to say thank you to all of you, for your kind words, text messages, phone calls, emails and even post, we have enough kindling in the form of discarded envelopes to keep the log burner ticking over for days! Every word spoken or written comes as a huge comfort for me and undoubtedly mum and matt. So thank you.

These are just a few memories that I have of dad that I think sum up the kind of person he was, hopefully it will spark off some of your own memories of him.

Stephen Hugh Wetherbee,
He always mowed the lawns at stupid o’clock in the morning, giving us no time for a lie in, as there was always something to be done , he was always fixing up or doing something to the house, though it was really just any excuse to get the ladder out. He shouted at that TV when the F1 and Rugby was on, he snored every night without fail, loudly enough to allegedly loosen rivets in Bruces yacht, He used to sit with me when I was ill and wouldn't leave till I was asleep, or at least until I had my eyes closed and felt better!

He Drove like a madman but was always in control, over taking cars at any opportunity,
he worked hard for his car and indeed his cars, and he enjoyed every minute he spent in them, whether stopping off at a river he used to fish at when he was younger, trying to find his dads favourite fishing spot in Tavistock, Going in search of floods after heavy rain fall, and of course what he spent a great deal of time doing in his car was visiting all of you guys at various farms to sample grain, do business or simply to stop by and say hello, as long as you didn’t have dogs that would jump up and scratch his beloved car. Exploring in his car was always fun, though for some reason he never liked going home the same way.

Salcombe holidays were very special, year after year, we went, ate silly amounts of boiled sweets from Cranchies, walked until our feat hurt, went crabbing, often not stopping until either the sea was empty or the tide had gone out! (I caught a seagull) Mum and Dad even returned from Salcombe one time listening to Pendulum, though I think that may have been mums influence of music, a far cry from abba

Even Fishing on the river arrow, I personally fell out of a tree in an attempt to retrieve a fly which i had hopelessly cast up there, that was all i caught that day. Of course there were no such issues for dad, how he cast so straight is anyone’s guess?
The very first time he let me leave the end of the road on my bike...freedom at last! Sneaky trips to the burger van when we knew full well mum would be rustling up a roast dinner for when we got home, we had some fun getting through those roast dinners

Teaching us to wash our own cars, he was so meticulous, I never washed my car to a good enough standard, Matt got close, but it bugged him so much he ended up doing it for us.
Breaking the news to dad that I accidentally parked my car in a hedge was an interesting experience, the fact that I just happened to have laid down the best set of skid marks you could imagine, was nothing to do with the fact that I was trying to adjust the heating in my car. I ended up dragging my car off the hedge with a lorry driver before parking my car as out of sight as possible and stuffing the rubber splitter that had ripped off in the back where dad wouldn’t notice.
Dad didn’t seem too angry, just more concerned as to whether I had learnt my lesson or not. Needless to say my driving style has changed, all thanks to Frontier for employing me. Frontier brings fond memories, mainly through sheer frequency is the various phone calls I made when I had got hopelessly lost trying to find a farm in the middle of South Wales, Cotswolds, Shropshire the list goes on! He knew all the farms, all the names, all the lanes, for he had been to them all before, such knowledge, he was the human sat nav for farms. And of course the many times he tried to explain the ins and outs of grain trading, but I was just too young to grasp it!
Waking up early to wave good bye to him every morning when he went to work, he'd flash the lights of his car and usually wave out of the window.

His bizarre love for Abba, his bizarre love of Bag Pipes, he certainly kept those close to his chest and I have a feeling we haven’t heard the last of the Bag Pipes.
And not forgetting his cheeky smile and wink which never failed to reassure, and of course his infamous raised eyebrow.

As clich├ęd as it sounds, dad was a fantastic man and will leave a massive whole in many peoples’ lives, but we all have something to take away from knowing him, he was the sort of man that without even trying, just gave you motivation, goals and something to aim for in life, he had an uncanny ability to make everything seem ok, a positive spin for everything, he always made you feel better. Dad will certainly remain as the driving force in my life and I hope many of yours, I think it’s safe to say he was a true inspiration in every respect.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Dad, 23/01/1956 - 19/01/2011




I was right, everyone is right, Nothing can prepare you for the death of a loved one. I tried so hard to prepare myself for it, it almost felt wrong how much I thought about Dad not being around anymore. But I think to an extent it has helped

Its been one week since he passed. Wednesday 19th January 11:50am.

Nothing has sunk in, I've gone into autopilot, doing things, sorting things out whilst remaining as distant as possible from what I'm dealing with. I mean you cant get anymore surreal that sitting with your family discussing your dads funeral/service, whats hymns to sing, what music to play at the crematorium. These sorts of situations are perhaps the most unreal I have experienced, the closest I've felt to living the life of someone else, in a dream, begging to wake up. I had a dream of dad before he passed, and when I woke up, for a moment I was relived as I knew it was just a dream, but then the reality kicked in.

I deal with things by educating myself on the topic, a technique Freud called 'Interlectualisation', I remove myself from the situation and focus on something else to help me through, for example learning the in's and outs of Pharmacology when dad was ill. And now I'm focusing on the 5 stages of bereavement;


1) denial,
2) anger,
3) bargaining,
4) depression
5) acceptance.


1) Denial. As much as I deny I'm in denial, the fact of the matter still remains; I am.

I don't think this will change for a while, the service is tomorrow and I think that will be a big turning point for me. The situation may well hit me like a bomb, everything will suddenly hit me. Then again it may not. I know dad has died, I know I can never phone him up for advice again, I know he will never walk through the front door ever again. But the difference lies in simply excepting these statements or actually taking them on board, dealing with them, and experiencing how that makes you feel. I feel numb, too numb to do that right now, and I know that if I don't, I could get myself into trouble further down the road.

2) Anger. I know for a fact that Anger will not register for me.

There is no point in expressing Anger, we did everything we could for dad, Anger will not bring him back, and Anger was not a trait Dad often expressed, so I wont.
Ok to and extent I do think
'why, why my dad, why a marriage where they want to spend every waking minute with each other when there are so many other people stuck in marriages they cant stand' but its not felt on the level that constitutes 'Anger'

3) Bargaining. Dad wanted nothing more than to see me graduate. I wanted nothing more than for my family to see me graduate. He held off the Cancer as long as he could, I'd like to thing he will still see or experience me graduate from where ever he is now.

4) Depression. This can happen to anyone, often the ones you least expect, so in that respect, It may well happen to me, but id like to think that years of studying Psychology and a decent head on my shoulders that I may be able to self analyze and avoid a bout of depression. He wouldn't want us moaping around, he was a doo'er, he would want us to 'crack on' 'whats next'. But there's no denying dad was a best friend, we were so alike, we thought the same, acted the same, we were on the same wavelength, a strong unit. Everyone says it too, how well we got on. Even writing this now I know it should be effecting me more, which just reiterates a level of Denial.

5) Acceptance. Again a very blurred line between acknowledging a surface level of acceptance and actually experiencing and dealing with the situation. I can accept that dad has died, but its everything that comes with that. I think Time will bridge the loss, fill in the wholes and take us back to a place from which we can move on.


I think time is the most crucial aspect here. There is no chronological progression through the 5 stages, and not every event is experienced, As much insight as I think I may have, I do not know how time will change this situation. All I know right now is that the service of the celebration of dads life and the cremation will be massive points in the process of bereavement and will, on whatever level, play a big part in returning myself and my family to place of stability from which we can start to get on with out own lives.


Ive written a passage that I may well read at the service, I hate public speaking, and I personally dont feel the need to say anything as I have all the memories in my head, but I think it will a proud moment for dad, myself and my family. It will help me cope and hopefully set me up to get back on track.


Now that I have a small audience on here I'd like to thank everyone that has text me, phoned me, emailed me to express condolences or to make sure I'm ok. Its of great comfort knowing that you care, and every text is hugely appreciated.


Love you Dad, you will never be forgotten and I will never let you down.

About Me

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I started this Blog to document the amazing streak of bad luck I was having throughout 2010, I'd like to think my luck has changed for 2011...time will tell.