Happy Christmas

I went to Canada 12 weeks ago, I also went to Whistler to ride bikes.

I fell off, dislocated my right shoulder and broke my wrist.

I also had another incident over the summer which dislocated my right shoulder.

I've now, (you can do the maths) dislocated my right shoulder twice, and will be having surgery to stabilize it on the 18th of January.

The 18th of January is 364 days after my fathers death, 1 day before the mark of a year since he died, and a mere 5 days before what would be his 57th birthday.

I will be having the same surgery that I had last February, just on a different shoulder.

How do I feel about this? Angry, pleased, shameful, happy, excited and sad. Yes, One person can feel all those emotions at once, and Man can feel all these emotions at once, not just Women.

Why out of all the days am I writing on Christmas day you ask? Well because today is the first Christmas without dad, and so far has been a very emotional day. Now that doesn't mean I've been wandering around blubbering and crying, far from it. I've been cheery and smiley, but deep down, there is an incomprehensible loss that lurks and lingers and will not leave me be. This house is no home. My best friend no longer resides under it's roof, the banter I enjoyed and thrived on so much has been replaced with a chilling sobriety. There is little joy here.

Christmas has re iterated this, Matthew serves up some laughter, we always did together, but we were never supposed to be a double act, it was always the four of us that made it work.

I could have waited for this surgery, many of you think I am stupid to pay to have it now, when I can wait to have it free. I can see why you think I should wait, and if you think I am stupid then good for you, you are entitled to your opinion, but do not express it to me unless it comes in a constructive manner. I am having surgery soon rather than later for many reasons, but mainly because my Mother is offering to pay, and frankly, I am tired of living a life on hold. Waiting for the next person to give me an answer, or more apt to my situation, waiting for the next person to give me an ambiguous answer which is actually worse than no answer at all.

I need to start my life again, I have not lived my own life properly for some time now. I have either lived from weekend to weekend when I was visiting my dad, lived from event to event in a vain attempt to deny my loss, or lived my life dictated by my poor health. This is not to say I have had some great times over the last few years, I have had many, but the road has been no straight line, it has been full of sharp turns and stop signs. Until I can clear that road, I will not be able to re start my life. For example, I am currently living my life waiting, waiting for the opinion of a doctor, a doctor who does not even know the word clarity exists, let alone how to formulate it. I cannot move on until I am the one in control of my life again, and I will be in control of my life again when my health is restored to 'normal', mentally and physically.

Please do not challenge my life choices; support them, whether you agree with them or not. Also I know that a lot of my health issues have been self inflicted, but some have not.

After all life is to be lived.

So for now I am focusing on getting better, so I can focus on the next chapter of my life and where I want it to take me, and I am not waiting around.

Jack

- Decide who you are, what you want to be, hold on and ride it out

p.s - There was no intention to convey self pity in this message. Not much anyway. I am a very positive person, between all the waiting I am active, keeping my self busy and enjoying life. I am just enjoying life in bite size chunks, with the illusive bigger picture waiting for me some where in the future. I know my situation, I know how it is effecting me, and writing here has been a way for me to deal with it. With often no intended audience I would write down explicitly how I feel with no purpose other than to vent emotion. This post is different in that I have considered an audience and thus the need to mention the style of writing. I never want people to feel sorry for me, in fact, I hate it when people feel sorry for me.

Happy Christmas.

Clearly no one reads this, but seeing as I posted in this for months on the build up to my final exams I feel I owe it to my non existent audience and my self to report back my results.

I got 59.3% overall, and because my second year mark was a 57.something % this meant that...


I am now a Bachelor of Science with an honoury degree in Psychology, awarded a Second Class honours, upper tier degree, yup, I got the 2:1.

I got the very thing I set out to achieve, I wrote 2:1 on my hand every day, I lost sleep for months, I turned down trips to see friends, I turned down many things this summer in the pursuit of the degree I so desired, and it all paid off.

I spent the second year of uni getting my head around my dad having cancer, I then spent the third year preparing my self for his death, and ultimately watching him die. Despite this, despite two bouts of surgery on myself, and more to come, I some how, mustered the motive and determination to get that 2:1. to prove to everyone that no matter what happens, I can still achieve what ever I want in life.

After the past year, any self doubt in myself, has been thrown out the window in style, I can do anything if I put my mind to it, and that excites me, I have it in me to make my life exactly what I want to make it, and I now fully believe this. I just wish dad could see what I have become, however it was him dying that has made me what I am now. Dad dying was the motivation for me to carry on studying. He did not give up his fight against cancer, he was truly inspirational in his fight, dignified and brave to the end, and it was witnessing this unbelievable courage and determination to save face in front of family that made me realise that if he can do that, then I can do anything.

In the few days running up to his death, some of the last words he spoke to me were...

..."you'll do me proud won't you"...

...well I have Dad, I've done you proud, and I will keep doing so forever, and I hope you don't mind but I might just get your initials tattooed on my wrist so that just in case I ever waver in life I have an instant reminder of everything I stand for, my morals, beliefs, motivations and my main source of inspiration.

You were a fantastic dad, and my best friend, and if I can be half the man you were I will be satisfied. I think I've made a good start.

Love you always.

Thoughts cannot have physical effects upon another person.

I feel bad and guilty,

but thoughts, cannot have physical effects upon other people,

I must tell myself this. remember this. I'm not responsible.

It is anxiety that drives nasty thoughts, there is NO intention, just thought.

Thoughts cannot kill.

Well Google + can suck my balls

Why the fuck have all my photos from previous posts gone?!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!

this is all because of this new fucking Google + shit.

The photos from my blog came up on Google + but I deleted them off google + becuase I didnt want everyone seeing them...

...and FUCK MY LIFE they have deleted them off my blogspot.

I just give up.

Skepticism

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a skeptic, I feel like my skepticism simply quashes the hope others hold onto. The pretense that something completely irrational and non meaningful holds some sacred meaning, is just that, its irrational.

The brain is so hell bent on meaning and understanding, we often find meaning where there simply is none.

Each to their own I guess.

Highs and Lows

As per usual I'm writing in my blog with no real reason or motive other than, well, I feel i should.

I'm currently sat on a train on my way home to Hereford, interestingly the only reason I'm writing this now is because my phone has ran out of battery so i cant mindlessly sit on facebook, (I'm writing in notepad). I cant remember what my last post was. I think it was something along the lines of "shit hit the fan",

Well it has.

I've not yet seen my surgeon, but it would seem that I have potentially damaged the labrum and other shoulder muscles via an accident i had a week ago. That is, re damaged. The 5 months of hard physiotherapy were not a complete waste though. In injuring myself i managed to hurt both of my shoulders, my right shoulder fully dislocated anteriorly and was in such a way for 8 hours, and much to my amazement my left shoulder, arguably the weaker of the two, only came away with aches and pains and 5 subluxions over the last three days. A subluxion is a partial dislocation towards the edge of the socket which spontaneously, or with the guide of your other arm quickly re locates. This means that the glenhoid labrum (CHECK) has been stretched, and indeed the muscles that i had surgery on have stretched again, however whether there is a tear or not is still not clear.
My physio does not think i have re teared my labrum due to the very little pain I am feeling and the fully range of movement. However he is not a shoulder specialist. Typically, there is a long waiting list to see my surgeon Mr Hay, so for now I
really do not know what to do.

Shoulder Dislocation Rehabilitation is somewhat of a controversial matter, for example my physio has told be that an adduction/abduction (CHECK) sling for 6 weeks will be sufficient. However web resources have stated that 2 weeks maximum is required in a sling, anything after that is pointless as it simply leads to more stiffness and more pain.

This 2 week sling period is great for me as I'm due to start work soon. As for my left shoulder, it has been suggested I have an Arthrogram and MRI, which is basically where my laburm is injected with a dye which under MRI will reveal any tears.

It really is just a joke isn't it. How can one person have so much bad luck, and just exactly when will I have a clear run of no mishaps?

It was no more than a week before this happened that I was discharged by my physio Chris Ward, and yet I found myself visiting him again today at the nuffield to start another long bid of rehab.

However there have been many positive things in my life of late. Glastonbury festival was out of this world. I drank all my alcohol in the first two nights, got on average 4 hours sleep every day and woke up drunk 5 of the 6 nights I was there. I saw some fantastic music in a vast array of different states, from sober to, well, lets just say far from sober. I made some new friends, chilled with current, and generally had an amazing time, it was a real escape from reality and came, despite the lack of sleep and a very refreshing week.

This was followed my three days in Paris. One thing that was surreal here was departing Glastonbury and then Bristol Airport in a nice 21DegC and landing in Paris in upwards of 35DegC. After a week binging at Glastonbury I must have sweated out a
lot of toxins there. Paris was completely worth it though, a beautiful city, with a beautiful way of life. If it wasn't for my complete inability to speak French, let alone English Id happily live there. On a role, I made it back from Paris to Bristol and down to Plymouth before heading to Newquay. Newquay was great, it was brilliant to see the lads, but, well, I was a mess, I was physically and mentally exhausted and really just wanted to go to bed and not get out for a long time. However it was Daes stag doo, he would only be having one and i had to be there. But this weekend, for me at least, became tainted by my accident, and it was here in Newquay, that my shoulders met their worst challenge yet.

OK so this is becoming a very long blog, I don't want to stop writing though, so I will chunk it up into sections with photos so it is easier to digest and you, my non existent audience can pick and choose which sections you want to read about.


The final positive in the messy puzzle of the last two weeks has come in the form of Sarah Youen. We met at pre drinks to a spontaneous night out a few weeks ago in Plymouth. A complete breath of fresh air, it was so nice to meet someone that was
and is so genuine, and so genuinely loves life. There are no pretenses, no prejudgements, no girly snobbery, just a girl who wants to have fun in life, and certainly knows how to have fun in life. We hit it off straight away and even I couldn't believe how I could so comfortably spend so much time with someone that I had just met. Since returning from Glasto, Paris and Newq we have pretty much hung out everyday, doing what we like and loving every minute of it.

So despite ruining my shoulders and potentially having to spend a few weeks in a sling, the past month has been full of sheer brilliance.

Glastonbury is actually another world, a world everyone should experience.

Paris is a beautiful city, a city that deserves 3 days of any ones time

Newquay stag doos are not my cup of tea in the slightest, but is something I think everyone should have the chance to experience,

and the company of Sarah Youen is something I hope will continue, for I feel we have many more adventures to come.

Lets see what the future holds...