Grave.

I put some flowers on an unattended grave today.

Partly because doing so features in the book

"this book will change your life" by Ben Carey & Henrik Delehag

but also I think because I wanted to do something selfless. But then when is anything selfless when we are often driven to do it to make ourselves feel better?

To be honest I wanted to put some flowers on the grave of an old neighbour of ours, dad used to, and I guess I felt I should be keeping up the tradition. Finding the grave was impossible, so I lay some flowers on an unnamed grave and on my old maths teachers stone. Mark Stevenson.

Did I do it because I wish I could do something for Dad? I think so. I would like to have a place to go, at the moment his ashes are under the bed in the spare room. Yer because that was his favourite place ever! Soon he will be on the golf course on his favourite fairway. Much more dignified.

A place to go, to be near to him, to talk to him. We all need that Everyone needs that.

Shower

Just found this, I think I wrote it 2 months ago.

these tears filled with spite, regret, and anger, are cleansed only with the water from above, yet nothing changes, the clean water replaces the burdened tears, but the origin of the emotion remains deep within.

Nothing can cleanse these tears, nothing.

Light in a Dark Place

Clouds roll in, smothering the hills before draining down their darker side, the sun burns holes in the fluid textures of the clouds, their edges singe, and reseed like paper burning in an open fire, to match only the orange of the lingering sun that ignites them.

The horizon never falters here,
beauty is constant, consistent and clear,
though only if the eye is to let it.

Walk

Within minutes I can be walking in fields

with fields as far as I can see

My new neighbours are stubborn sheep and triumphant trees

tall standing warriors
exposed
but rarely shaken by the elements.

Happy Christmas

I went to Canada 12 weeks ago, I also went to Whistler to ride bikes.

I fell off, dislocated my right shoulder and broke my wrist.

I also had another incident over the summer which dislocated my right shoulder.

I've now, (you can do the maths) dislocated my right shoulder twice, and will be having surgery to stabilize it on the 18th of January.

The 18th of January is 364 days after my fathers death, 1 day before the mark of a year since he died, and a mere 5 days before what would be his 57th birthday.

I will be having the same surgery that I had last February, just on a different shoulder.

How do I feel about this? Angry, pleased, shameful, happy, excited and sad. Yes, One person can feel all those emotions at once, and Man can feel all these emotions at once, not just Women.

Why out of all the days am I writing on Christmas day you ask? Well because today is the first Christmas without dad, and so far has been a very emotional day. Now that doesn't mean I've been wandering around blubbering and crying, far from it. I've been cheery and smiley, but deep down, there is an incomprehensible loss that lurks and lingers and will not leave me be. This house is no home. My best friend no longer resides under it's roof, the banter I enjoyed and thrived on so much has been replaced with a chilling sobriety. There is little joy here.

Christmas has re iterated this, Matthew serves up some laughter, we always did together, but we were never supposed to be a double act, it was always the four of us that made it work.

I could have waited for this surgery, many of you think I am stupid to pay to have it now, when I can wait to have it free. I can see why you think I should wait, and if you think I am stupid then good for you, you are entitled to your opinion, but do not express it to me unless it comes in a constructive manner. I am having surgery soon rather than later for many reasons, but mainly because my Mother is offering to pay, and frankly, I am tired of living a life on hold. Waiting for the next person to give me an answer, or more apt to my situation, waiting for the next person to give me an ambiguous answer which is actually worse than no answer at all.

I need to start my life again, I have not lived my own life properly for some time now. I have either lived from weekend to weekend when I was visiting my dad, lived from event to event in a vain attempt to deny my loss, or lived my life dictated by my poor health. This is not to say I have had some great times over the last few years, I have had many, but the road has been no straight line, it has been full of sharp turns and stop signs. Until I can clear that road, I will not be able to re start my life. For example, I am currently living my life waiting, waiting for the opinion of a doctor, a doctor who does not even know the word clarity exists, let alone how to formulate it. I cannot move on until I am the one in control of my life again, and I will be in control of my life again when my health is restored to 'normal', mentally and physically.

Please do not challenge my life choices; support them, whether you agree with them or not. Also I know that a lot of my health issues have been self inflicted, but some have not.

After all life is to be lived.

So for now I am focusing on getting better, so I can focus on the next chapter of my life and where I want it to take me, and I am not waiting around.

Jack

- Decide who you are, what you want to be, hold on and ride it out

p.s - There was no intention to convey self pity in this message. Not much anyway. I am a very positive person, between all the waiting I am active, keeping my self busy and enjoying life. I am just enjoying life in bite size chunks, with the illusive bigger picture waiting for me some where in the future. I know my situation, I know how it is effecting me, and writing here has been a way for me to deal with it. With often no intended audience I would write down explicitly how I feel with no purpose other than to vent emotion. This post is different in that I have considered an audience and thus the need to mention the style of writing. I never want people to feel sorry for me, in fact, I hate it when people feel sorry for me.

Happy Christmas.

Clearly no one reads this, but seeing as I posted in this for months on the build up to my final exams I feel I owe it to my non existent audience and my self to report back my results.

I got 59.3% overall, and because my second year mark was a 57.something % this meant that...


I am now a Bachelor of Science with an honoury degree in Psychology, awarded a Second Class honours, upper tier degree, yup, I got the 2:1.

I got the very thing I set out to achieve, I wrote 2:1 on my hand every day, I lost sleep for months, I turned down trips to see friends, I turned down many things this summer in the pursuit of the degree I so desired, and it all paid off.

I spent the second year of uni getting my head around my dad having cancer, I then spent the third year preparing my self for his death, and ultimately watching him die. Despite this, despite two bouts of surgery on myself, and more to come, I some how, mustered the motive and determination to get that 2:1. to prove to everyone that no matter what happens, I can still achieve what ever I want in life.

After the past year, any self doubt in myself, has been thrown out the window in style, I can do anything if I put my mind to it, and that excites me, I have it in me to make my life exactly what I want to make it, and I now fully believe this. I just wish dad could see what I have become, however it was him dying that has made me what I am now. Dad dying was the motivation for me to carry on studying. He did not give up his fight against cancer, he was truly inspirational in his fight, dignified and brave to the end, and it was witnessing this unbelievable courage and determination to save face in front of family that made me realise that if he can do that, then I can do anything.

In the few days running up to his death, some of the last words he spoke to me were...

..."you'll do me proud won't you"...

...well I have Dad, I've done you proud, and I will keep doing so forever, and I hope you don't mind but I might just get your initials tattooed on my wrist so that just in case I ever waver in life I have an instant reminder of everything I stand for, my morals, beliefs, motivations and my main source of inspiration.

You were a fantastic dad, and my best friend, and if I can be half the man you were I will be satisfied. I think I've made a good start.

Love you always.