Ive been unsure how to tackle this topic for some time now, I was thinking of whether i should outline everything or just put it out there straight up, to be honest there's no sugar coating or denying it anymore.
My dad has been fighting cancer for around 4 years now, maybe more. I think four years is a bloody good battle, and in that four years we as a family have tried to make the most of everything possible. Now though I fear the cancer is winning, over the last 6 months he has deteriorated significantly, and the last two months have seen him in and out of a local hospice in attempts to control his pain.
He has metastatic paraganglioma, which as a simple google search will tell you is a very rare adaptation of an already very rare cancer. He has multiple tumors under his skin, literally just below the skin, you cant see them, but you can feel them, perhaps the size of a small balling bearing, 2-3mm in diameter. At last count he had 53, mum stopped counting months ago.
Yup, sooo umm, I think Im going to go public with this blog, put the url up somewhere, Ive told close friends about the situation, but frankly, everyone is going to know soon enough. And that right there is an example of the most horrific thoughts that start going through your head when a family member gets ill.
I sometimes question whether its normal, whether i should be having such thoughts, but i think in hindsight its actually all part of the coping strategy and indeed a way to prepare your self, hopelessly, for the unbearable off all thoughts that your dad is going to die, and nothing, nothing can prepare you for that.
Trying to prepare yourself for the death of a loved one is the last thing anyone wants to go through and the last thing that you can strike up in a conversation and indeed get advice for.
Add on top the fact that in 2010 ive lost my drivers license, my seizures temporarily returned meaning ive lost my main hobby indefinably, ive broken my shoulder, had surgery, along with many other things and your start to get an idea of just how much shit ive been through this year. Im not looking for sympathy, just an appreciation of the fact ive got a lot going on, and im not perfect all the time, i dont always talk to you, im not always as positive as i was, and im not always as thoughtful as i was. But that doesnt mean i dont care anymore, it just means that for the time being, im a little preoccupied to say the least.
Id like to lay this year to rest, fuck off 2010, bring on 2011, but you know what, again with the horrible thoughts, I thought 2010 was the worst year of my life, but its hasn't been because Ive had my dad for the entire year, ive had my dad for twenty one years, and the thought that 2011 will be the year when that all changes, and it wont be 22 years, he wont see me graduate, that's unbearable, but of course in true Wetherbee style, he may well make a surprise recovery, getting considerably better and carrying on for a few years, after all he was given 6 months to live over two years ago, so that not only underlines the strength of my dad, but also, just how wrong the doctors have got nearly every aspect of my dads case.
Well anyway, I could carry on writing but to be honest I think about the situation enough without having to write it all out. So thats whats going on, and thats why im not myself lately. Im not asking anything of anyone, in fact im not even sure if i will make this public, it might not be a good thing having everyone know, some people are just really shit when it comes to things like this, and deal with it by staying away, so perhaps ill just keep it with those who know.
thats just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how im feeling of late, i dont think i could even convey how i feel if i tried, so I'll just leave it there.
Happy New Year? No.