Gone back 10 years

Well i never thought i'd see this day.

But just what exactly has happened since my last post?

my MRI was normal which is really good, so i went away from that meeting feeling positive. Ive been riding bikes since, sometimes with no problems what so ever and other times with a clear aura/pre ictal/partial absence leaving me a little un-nerved. However last week I pushed myself a little too far at the bmx track and ended up having another seizure, my 3rd this year.

As a result i have made the decision to resume Sodium Valproate/Epilim after an interlude ov over 10years. Im currently on 100mg a day for 2 weeks before upping that to 200mg. to be honest i dont want to go anywhere near the suggested 800mg a day so im going to try and see if i can get controlled on the smallest amount possible with some investigative work involving me on my bicycle. After all it had become apparent that my trigger for these seizures is riding my bike. riding my bike is the one thing i have in life that i turn to when im feeling shit, so its ironic that biking is now the one thing that makes me feel shit via a seizure, not make me feel better and able to escape other shit.

and as for surfing...well the consequences of a seizure whilst in the water are not worth thinking about, though interestingly ive never had a pre ictal phase when surfing like i have when riding my bike. why? i have no idea, possibly something to do with body temperature? surfing's more passive relaxing nature? i dont think i will ever know.

thats another point, not knowing makes the whole situation alot more difficult to deal with, i have no idea why i have suddenly started having seizures, which has certainly made taking pills again a lot harder to swallow. that was possibly the greatest pun ever! i have no closure on the situation other than " you'll be on meds for several years, and by that i mean 3-5years" then we can look at possibly coming off the meds again...but that just creates more issues in itself. uhhh

i hate this entire situation.

so in the last 4 months i have gone from normal, to having a break through seizure, to having two more seizures, to being back on meds for several years.

2010 has not been a good year.

and so comes the next decision...

Well, Ive told my parents about my little problem, now I was expecting them to not really be able to give me an answer, however I wasnt expecting them to be quite as shell shocked as they were. They didnt really know what to say to me, which wasnt all that reassuring, but we talked for a good half hour and at least they now know. I dont want to say what the issue is, but rest assured im not going anywhere.

At first, with hind-sight, I seemed to have verry successfully repressed the entire situation for at least a week, however a few beers with a good friend and the topic surfaced. This was bad; I was quite happy ignoring everything, however keeping it inside was bad and mentally unhealthy. I do beleive telling my parents was a good idea, however I cant help feeling that simply carring on 'under the radar' would have been just as rewarding for my mental state! They already have enough to think about without wondering if im ok, I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders though, and for now I can focus on revision and uni.
Untill my exams are over I've just got to put my situation in a box and lock it away and just make sure I do re-open it when the time is right.

Im far too young to making these kind of moral decisions!! but its not going to go away and resolve itself, this is perhaps one of the biggest and most important decision i have ever had to make, mellodramatic? sadly not.

There are plenty of good things going on at the same time though, I had a really good surf at Polzeath a few days ago, and in the next few days im squeezing in some biking. Im spending more and more time doing the things I love in an attempt to keep my sanity at an exceptable level, however in doing so im compromising the amount of work I do for my exams, which ironically will, in time, allow me to do those things I love so much.

oh life you prove so testing! well thats the serious things dealt with for the time being. hopefully things for the time being will pick up!


Perhaps I should introduce myself, im Wurthers.

well this is certainly the start of something

I missed blogging,

Often i'd scrawl on my myspace blog, knowing that few people ever read it and I could pretty much write anything. Well that chance is back on this thing.

My life of late has become full to the brim of problems, so I decided to start a blog, perhaps as a, well, now conscious attempt to work through them and help make sence of everything. It's also a brilliant form of procrastination.

I dont think I will blog retrospectivly, but simply from the immediate present onwards. My parents are visiting tomorrow and I've got to have a very serious conversation with them about my health, thats going to be a barrel of laughs.

So I will leave it at that for now, in time I will set the scene for you...

...untill then.