Prerequisite

Job searching really is a pain the the arse, it all just feels a bit backwards. I'm sat at a computer trawling through hundreds of jobs looking for something that 'best fits'. I'm sat looking for a job that; that what? Interests me? Excites me? Suits me? These search engines lump jobs into a category, Sales jobs, Legal jobs, IT jobs, Leisure jobs, Web jobs?! This all feels wrong. Why can't I give you my interests and my categories instead of hopelessly trying to mould myself into a pre determined category. Talk about being a sheep. I've compiled a list of my likes, strengths, interests, hobbies, call them what you like, but surely this way you could find the perfect job, because it would originate purely from what makes you who you are. Generate from the original source.

So here is a list of things I find interesting and enjoy.

Cycling,

Surfing,

Psychology & People,

Physiotherapy,

Being Outdoors,

Trees,

Water,

Music,

Film Sets,

Driving,

New Zealand,

Canada.

Farming! (Surprised to type this one)

...My perfect job based on these words would be...

Sports Psychology?

Physiotherapy? (Sports)

Forestry work?

Seaman? Whey!

Mountain bike leader?

Surf instructor?

Tree Surgeon?

None of these?

What do you think? Do I really have to 'fit' into one of these categories, can I not break the mould? 

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs

I feel like I have no direction in life, but perhaps it is ok to feel like that because perhaps it will all just happen. That still does not detract from the fact that it sometimes bugs me. So when I decide to do something totally random, I'll do it, because surely everything is essentially a product of cause and effect, every single person you meet in life, every single experience you have gives you something. Invaluable insight whether immediately obvious or not comes to mind. This insight will either help me broaden my 'life categories', my 'job categories' or completely destroy them.

I must remember this when I next think;

"What am I doing, where am I going?"

We are always going somewhere, even when we don't feel like it, we are always on the road to something, not just death, which obviously is what we are all heading towards (which in itself can be a very good motivator, I'm not just being morbid) but the next chapter, the next beginning, we are on the road, on a journey, and every day whether good or bad is apart of that journey, expanding and exploding the designated categories of life, every day is required, every day makes us.

I'm just not made yet.

Stop

I'm on self destruct, and I'm down to single digits.

I'm over doing things, pushing things, perusing things.

Constantly on the go with no time to breathe,

Running from memories and past scenes.

If I keep on and don't stop, the past will stay at bay,

Until I stop.

I'm afraid to stop.

Stopping hurts more than the running, the pushing and the pursuing.

I can't keep on like this, I'm so tired. 

I need to face the silence of an empty weekend.

I need to exist in nothing, and be nothing in its existence.

I'm on self destruct, and I'm down to single digits.

I'm over doing things, pushing things, perusing things.

Constantly on the go with no time to breathe,

Running from memories and past scenes.

I have no idea where I am, But I'm glad I'm here

I've seen some very cool sights this week.

I feel very privileged to see the sights I see, and I like to think that people want to see them too, but upon reflection I don't think people are very interested in combines, fields and 'views'. But I am.

This week has been my week, the house has been mine and mine only, a blessing. Eating what I want to eat when I want to eat it, sleeping when I want to sleep and not being woken, appreciating silence, all the small things.

The great thing about leaving an item in a house that no one else occupies is that you know for a fact that when you return for said item it will be exactly where you left it.

Although being 'alone' in a house, or rather a family home is very (pauses for thought) sad. There is no fancy word to guise such a feeling, it just feels sad.

An empty home is no home, it is a house.

Which is partly why this week I have found my emotions to be up and down like a possessed yo yo. Add into the mix farmers who constantly talk about your late father, and frankly everything becomes a bit too much to handle. The farmers talk about my dad...I think about him...I miss him...I come home...he's not here...I wake up...he's not here...no one is here...and I suddenly feel very alone. It almost becomes tiresome, but it isn't a choice of mine, I did not choose this, it has been forced upon me, and it will never be something that I simply get over. I have taken some positives from this week though, when I'm in the right frame of mind I find it so reassuring to hear just how many farmers thought, and still think so highly of my father, with stories of how he saw them through thick and thin, and in some cases how he helped 'make' farmers careers, and with such modesty too. My dad knew he was good at what he did, but he never showed it, he just, he just lived, and he lived well, and did well at everything he did, with no showboating, he got on and did what he had to do.

Any who I'm sure I wasn't supposed to come on here and talk about my dad...again.

I've been distracted in other ways this week. I think about my dad all the time, but now, I think about a certain girl all the time as well. I'm not sure what to make of this. I've never thought about someone this much in this way before, it's scary. I know you are going to read this Nat, I think about you rather a lot, you have partially taken over my mind and I like it. I get excited thinking about you, I feel sad when I leave you, and nervous with anticipation just before I see you. I don't know what to make of it all, so I'm just 'going with it'. I have something in my life that makes me smile, and for once it is a someone, not a something.

You make me smile Nat, you make me smile a lot.

This is a photo I took this week at work. Yes, that's right, what you see in this picture is essentially my office, or rather the view I often see out of my office (van) window.

"I have no idea where I am, But I'm glad I'm here"

It's views like this that make everything worth while, and it was so nice to see how many people 'liked' this on facebook, so nice to see that I can share this with people, and it is appreciated by others.

Well anyway, since starting this post I have drunk rather a lot of alcohol and have subsequently lost the plot, intention and purpose for said post, so I shall call it a day. This week has been long, busy, emotional and draining, But despite all that, I kind of like the hustle and bustle, the business, being here one minute, there the next, and all the little quirks that make it fun along the way.

The blindingly blank pages in my life are large and cavernous, but the ones that are filled, are filled with colour, the colour of happiness, somehow balancing each other out.

That's it, I've broken, I've had enough of Hereford. It has been slowly choking me of life for a few months now and I really cannot take it any more. My best friend is no longer here, I don't like going out in Hereford, I'm getting bored of doing everything by myself, I'm getting bored of being the only one interested in things I'm interested in. That probably sounds selfish, but what is the point in doing anything unless it makes you happy, and right now shared experiences are the only happy ones. I'm even bored of riding my bike, I'm bored of the local gym, even swimming which I have only recently taken up, it isn't going to hold my interest for much longer. I need something radical. I've always had something radical in the bag to keep myself entertained. Travelling the world for example, then uni, then competing in dh races, even rehabilitating my shoulder was something radical that gave me purpose and meaning. I strive for purpose, I strive for meaning, I strive for motivation to get out of bed in the morning.

What is my purpose, meaning and motivation right now?

Honestly I do not know. There is not much about me right now that is stopping me from merging into a nobody, permeating into society as one of those people in the streets you never notice, they are there, they make up 90% of the high street, but you don't notice them. I want to be the exciting 10% with a story, with passion, drive. I'd like to think I have been in that 10% a lot, is that arrogance? Lets call it determination and drive, all three can go hand in hand but arrogance doesn't have to be a bi product.

What can put me back in that 10%, how can I regain my purpose?

I need a new direction,

S.H.W

How can you physically miss someone this much?

How can you think about someone this much everyday?

I only see you in my dreams now, that will never be enough.

I would do anything, absolutely anything just for a hug, just to see you smile at me.

Why can't I see you smiling.

Why won't you smile for me?

Blocked

The more I think about writing in here, the more difficult it becomes to find something to write about. Before this recent affair with blogging, I just blogged when something major had happened in my life, so, one would suggest nothing major has happened in my life for a while, well that's kind of true. But I feel like I should blog about other things as well, but then it is this notion that has led me to this sticky situation in which I really don't know what to write about or where to start...

Ironic I know, that I am now blogging about not knowing what to blog about, but it is really starting to bug me and it got me thinking back to a previous blog, and the saying...

...well not a saying but more a philosophical idea...

..."the more we look the less we find"...

Is that just massively sceptical? realistic? Both? Well it got me thinking that this is the essence of writers block, a write needs to write, and it is that necessity to write that drives his or her creative block. Perhaps that is one theory of many anyway. This has all stemmed from my sudden viewing of the programme "Californication" in which a writer moves from New York to Cali with his family. He faces some serious writers block, at least, in-between the small posts on his blog he does make. This character has been sent to Cali to write, surely the pressure to write would create a block?

Perhaps the pressure (totally unnecessary and not even pressure to be fair) that I have put (had put on me?) to write more is creating a block for me. Perhaps I should tone it down a notch, treat my blog how I treated it before; not something I should go to regularly regardless of inspiration, but visit in times of need, want, emotion. After all it is emotion that drives creativeness, emotion that drives life itself. 

Anyway, since when did this blog become about anyone else...that's right it didn't. 

What is truly yours will eventually be yours

I love this, It is making me realise that I should not apply for jobs for the sake of it, because it is what is expected of me, but instead what I truly want to do will become apparent in time. It has also prompted me, of the necessity to remind myself that I should not look for what I desire in life. When we look we do not find. It is when we are not looking that we are found.