Wednesday, 16 March 2011
A Very Poignant One
Today is the first time in a few weeks that Ive actually felt like writing. I don't know why, well in fact it could be many reasons, it could be that Plymouth is currently basked in sunshine with temperatures up to 14degrees, or the fact im in shorts, or the fact im still on a high (but feeling bad) from drinking last night, or that Ive just had my first physio session, or that i can actually type at a laptop.
What ever it is, in fact no, i know why I'm typing here and its because I'm procrastinating.
I guess I'm feeling good after my physio appointment because he was massively impressed with my range of movement, and said that given the time frame since my op i was very advanced in rehab. He did however say that I should not be riding bikes at least for anther 8 weeks, that was a kick in the balls.
It's really nice to know that the stupid sling (the one i blogged about a while ago) which held my arm in ab/adduction was actually a massive benefit, and contributed greatly to my shoulders state. How I wore that massive, 'Ive just ripped the arm off a cinema arm chair' sling for four weeks whilst dealing with everything at home, and NOT melt down, OK melt down more than i did, is completely beyond me.
I need to blog here more, its the only person i have to talk too down here. Well that's not true, friends are here for me, but i choose not to talk to them. I dont want to burden them with my shit when they have stuff to get on with. I know in the grand scheme of things a dissertation has the significance of a grain of sand in a desert, but to everyone else its massively important, and my nonchalance at times probably irritates people.
But recently, Ive really start to just not give a fuck.
I'm supposed to be working now, trying to get a first draft of my project done by Friday. WHY? I've got till may 19Th, why am i putting even more pressure on my self, I'm just going to burn out. pointless.
I'm also massively denying dad, putting off dealing with it fully until my exams are over. I'm going home soon though, and i will be forced to deal with it there, which is probably a good thing.
Ive had so many dreams of dad, not nice dreams of when he wasn't ill, all of when he was, i guess because that was a traumatic time and its still on my mind, a lot. But I don't want it to be. I had one dream, where i was sat in the church at the service, and dad appeared, came over to me, sat by me and told me that everything will be OK.
I wish he could say that to me in person.
It will still reassuring though, and i think over time my dreams will start to resolve, or rather i will start to resolve my issues with grievance and thus my dreams will resolve. There is so much going on in my mind that people don't know about, why should they, I'm not going to tell them, but as a result people think you are fine, they ask how you are and you want to tell them that your dad has died and you have lost the one inspiration in your life and that you cant even describe how that makes you feel, but you don't, you just say something rubbish, like 'yer up and down', something that they might be able to fathom even on the most superficial level. People think you can just carry on, but the only life that has ended here is my dads, my life hasn't ended and it won't wait for me, i have to carry on, i have to pass my exams, i have to carry on living my life, for him, i have to find a way.
This is very poignant(right word?) for me, Ive surprised myself. Clearly i needed to write in this blog more than i thought, i was just waiting for the right time, seems like I've found it. Maybe i should get drunk and sober up and write whilst still in that sober post drinking high more often.
So yer i don't know where I'm going with this, but i think Ive successfully 'gone there'. I hope all this writing is beneficial.
P.S there are spelling mistakes, but im not here to practice my grammar. Also, do I 'i' or 'I'? Meh
Acknowledgements : Listened to: Electric President, Safe and Sound whilst i was writing this Beautiful song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27bESHiJ9cU
read about Electric President here: http://haveyoumetheather.blogspot.com/2011/02/in-which-electric-president-will-keep.html
these links look messy, weill try harder next time. meh