I had a seriously good cry today. No beating about the bush, the tissues were out, my nose was running and I was mopping my eyes and nose with the same tissues!
I had read about people feeling quite contented before being overwhelmed with emotion and wandered when it would happen to me. Well it happened after my shoulder appointment today, hearing you have two more weeks in a sling, followed by no activity until June, and then another two months of training before I can surf does not bode well for someone who already has nothing really worth getting out of bed for.
I cried because for the first time since dad passed away I really needed to call him up, talk face to face and for him to tell me everything will be fine, I know for a fact that he would say one sentence and everything would be better and I would be feeling more positive. Of course there was none of that, its all very well being able to dish out advice, but to take your own advice can often be difficult. So I broke down. Mum says all the right things too and is fantastic, but it was just that this was the first time I really needed dad. Don't get me wrong i miss him every waking minute, but it just struck me today that i can never phone him up again for advice. I even foresaw this event, I knew that as soon as i really needed dad around, that that would be the moment I cave. He was on my 'wavelength' so much that he knew what i thought, how i felt about things and as a result knew exactly how to tackle me to get me on the straight and narrow again, he would do it all effortlessly as well. For the months dad was in the hospice I just got by, I just got on with life and there weren't really many situations were I needed his reassurance, and if I did, I could always go and seem him, even if he wasn't entirely sure what was going on I could just sit by his bed and hold his hand, he didn't even have to be conscious to be reassuring, just being in the same room as him was enough.
I needed that today, but it hasn't made me feel a whole lot better, if anything it's just made me realize even more just how much I miss him.