Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Dad, 23/01/1956 - 19/01/2011

I was right, everyone is right, Nothing can prepare you for the death of a loved one. I tried so hard to prepare myself for it, it almost felt wrong how much I thought about Dad not being around anymore. But I think to an extent it has helped

Its been one week since he passed. Wednesday 19th January 11:50am.

Nothing has sunk in, I've gone into autopilot, doing things, sorting things out whilst remaining as distant as possible from what I'm dealing with. I mean you cant get anymore surreal that sitting with your family discussing your dads funeral/service, whats hymns to sing, what music to play at the crematorium. These sorts of situations are perhaps the most unreal I have experienced, the closest I've felt to living the life of someone else, in a dream, begging to wake up. I had a dream of dad before he passed, and when I woke up, for a moment I was relived as I knew it was just a dream, but then the reality kicked in.

I deal with things by educating myself on the topic, a technique Freud called 'Interlectualisation', I remove myself from the situation and focus on something else to help me through, for example learning the in's and outs of Pharmacology when dad was ill. And now I'm focusing on the 5 stages of bereavement;

1) denial,
2) anger,
3) bargaining,
4) depression
5) acceptance.

1) Denial. As much as I deny I'm in denial, the fact of the matter still remains; I am.

I don't think this will change for a while, the service is tomorrow and I think that will be a big turning point for me. The situation may well hit me like a bomb, everything will suddenly hit me. Then again it may not. I know dad has died, I know I can never phone him up for advice again, I know he will never walk through the front door ever again. But the difference lies in simply excepting these statements or actually taking them on board, dealing with them, and experiencing how that makes you feel. I feel numb, too numb to do that right now, and I know that if I don't, I could get myself into trouble further down the road.

2) Anger. I know for a fact that Anger will not register for me.

There is no point in expressing Anger, we did everything we could for dad, Anger will not bring him back, and Anger was not a trait Dad often expressed, so I wont.
Ok to and extent I do think
'why, why my dad, why a marriage where they want to spend every waking minute with each other when there are so many other people stuck in marriages they cant stand' but its not felt on the level that constitutes 'Anger'

3) Bargaining. Dad wanted nothing more than to see me graduate. I wanted nothing more than for my family to see me graduate. He held off the Cancer as long as he could, I'd like to thing he will still see or experience me graduate from where ever he is now.

4) Depression. This can happen to anyone, often the ones you least expect, so in that respect, It may well happen to me, but id like to think that years of studying Psychology and a decent head on my shoulders that I may be able to self analyze and avoid a bout of depression. He wouldn't want us moaping around, he was a doo'er, he would want us to 'crack on' 'whats next'. But there's no denying dad was a best friend, we were so alike, we thought the same, acted the same, we were on the same wavelength, a strong unit. Everyone says it too, how well we got on. Even writing this now I know it should be effecting me more, which just reiterates a level of Denial.

5) Acceptance. Again a very blurred line between acknowledging a surface level of acceptance and actually experiencing and dealing with the situation. I can accept that dad has died, but its everything that comes with that. I think Time will bridge the loss, fill in the wholes and take us back to a place from which we can move on.

I think time is the most crucial aspect here. There is no chronological progression through the 5 stages, and not every event is experienced, As much insight as I think I may have, I do not know how time will change this situation. All I know right now is that the service of the celebration of dads life and the cremation will be massive points in the process of bereavement and will, on whatever level, play a big part in returning myself and my family to place of stability from which we can start to get on with out own lives.

Ive written a passage that I may well read at the service, I hate public speaking, and I personally dont feel the need to say anything as I have all the memories in my head, but I think it will a proud moment for dad, myself and my family. It will help me cope and hopefully set me up to get back on track.

Now that I have a small audience on here I'd like to thank everyone that has text me, phoned me, emailed me to express condolences or to make sure I'm ok. Its of great comfort knowing that you care, and every text is hugely appreciated.

Love you Dad, you will never be forgotten and I will never let you down.

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I started this Blog to document the amazing streak of bad luck I was having throughout 2010, I'd like to think my luck has changed for 2011...time will tell.